tired

So...I've been staying up till four every night and pretty much getting NO SLEEP...I've also been studying really hard for NOTHING. I'm so angry....I'm so fed up with myself. I feel as though I'm growing up so slowly but time just keeps on moving faster and faster. I'm falling behind. I can't do anything...I'm not independent and I hate myself....which TOTALLY validates my disdain for most other people! Especially those that talk about me behind my BACK!!! I'm so angry....GRRRR

I can never fall asleep at night, too many thoughts (I know Kathy's going to patronize me for that statement, "OH! I'm just SOOO DEEP....MY THOUGHTS HAUNT ME AT NIGHT!" That's exactly what she's going to say....or something equally irksome). It's becoming an issue....The lack of sleep...Kathy's never an issue. I was thinking last night though about how people are so blinded by either their cynical natures, or their optimism, romanticism, and everything else on that spectrum of perspectives. Liberals and conservatives are so extreme and inable to view anything else...intellectuals will never concede anything to anyone else (THEY'RE ALWAYYYYSSSSS RIGHTTTTT!!!). Ego's are so frustrating and destructive and really only do lead to ignorance. I still think I was in the right that one time over lunch freshman year...that just popped into my head too. Not like I've been holding some severe grudge or anything...haha. Really...lol. It's just that I absolutely HATE it when people refuse even the possibility of something other than what they've been taught. It's okay...I'm fine....

I want to leave...I should just start saving up money and as soon as I can just run away...I'm so tired of school. My lack of motivation makes me question whether or not I really belong here. I'm also inclined to believe that this place is really only an institution suited for leeching money and life out of people. We pay for experience and nothing more really. Well, at least, in non-science schools...maybe other departments are worth more/less than others. I don't know...nor do I care...everyone is equally pathetic. I'm fine though...I'm happy to have the friends I now have. I'm finally aware that I'm not alone all the time....It really makes me well-up to think about how much we care about one another...or at least my impression of that...you know? Hehe, anyway...


I'm going to go running now...maybe if I'm lucky a car will hit me. I'm so sleepy.....I'm glad I'm not always like this though...I'm just really upset right now...I wouldn't mind a little episode of binge drinking but I've got a paper due on Friday...This weekend...But! I do want to be productive and not so self-destructive...I guess we'll see how I feel on Friday night...But I definitely could use a cigarette...After my run. :)