Pleasantly Misguided

There's always some miracle solution in my life. Something is resolved, a craving satisfied, I get what I want. I feel incredible! My laptop's been fixed. I went to Mr. Notebook and they fixed everything that I requested them too. They did it for free. It took like five minutes. They screwed it open and just had at it. I'm elated and there's nothing else to say about it. I have wireless again. I'm sitting here at Medici typing away before the place closes.

But yeah...I could perhaps construct a list of things I've felt have improved the quality of my life: a journal, a kipling backpack, paper clips, moving the furniture in my dorm-room, new jeans or clothes in general, headphones (whenever I break my current pair; on average, they last me about a month), acne medication. See...I have so many little things that I feel will help me out. I don't know why...I thought buying paper clips would help me out so much. They have so many little uses...bookmarks, they mark significance, and organization! You see, I thought I could lasso together all these things in my life with paper clips. I bought them and I was so happy! That lasted about a week. What the fuck does any of this mean?

I meet a problem and find some material solution to it. I'm not organized, nor am I resilient or "on top of things." When am i going to get my shit together?! This is so frustrating. My grades are improving in my classes! I'm happy about that...but...can I maintain this? After that previous bout of exams all I feel right now is the malaise that sets in with complacency. But I didn't get A's...I mean...I worked hard for...B's...WTF?! Am I that behind in the game? I guess so....It just all feels so fruitless.

On the romantic side of things I can come up with a million reasons as to why I'm single. Not loving myself, actully, actively hating myself seems to be one of the key reasons. I give you a Friday of two weeks ago:
A.H: You have such a lovely smile!
ME: Oh really? That's so surprising...you see this tooth here! It's chipped!
A.H: I hadn't noticed.....
ME: Yeah, when I was younger I decided to play Cinderella and mop the floors. The phone rang and I ran to get it, slipped on the tile and...yeah...this happened.

Yep....I can't take it. I can't even be fake anymore, which is something I was SPECTACULAR at...I could pretend to like ANYONE. Jesus Christ...I guess that's progress. I don't know. Not it seems it's so hard to find anyone I genuinely like and if I do I fuck it up with my incompetence.

I feel so fraudulent sometimes. Like...I'm some accessory that's dressed real nice or something. It's so aggravating to feel like you don't have a solid, concrete identity/personality. I hope things turn around. I really hate feeling like this...but I just can't help it. Oops.

-I want it so badly

AND WHY WAS I SO EXCITED ABOUT PAPER CLIPS?!

I'm so sad.

I'll never get what I want.

And that kills me.

Happy Halloween!

I can’t really focus right now. It took me nearly an hour and a half to finish reading five pages on birth-order effects. It was a wikipedia article. I don’t know...I was so happy thirty minutes ago. Nothing has happened in that lapse of time, maybe a few songs have been played through….maybe I’ve desired one too many strangers.

I had a lot of fun last night. Everything went really well…except I smoked a bit and felt sick for a while. I wasn’t being obnoxious, I just kind of sat on down on some steps outside. Away from most other people with my head in my hands. I just wanted to fall asleep. Thank God for Trace and Justin. They took really good care of me. Trace directed me to another area and had me gag myself so I wouldn’t be so drunk anymore, ten minutes later I was jumping around and having a ball again, then everyone else started to feel bad. I don’t remember if it was sickness or the cold or what.

They were so nice to me. One of them kept on staring at me weirdly. I wonder if he holds any hostility towards me. I hope not, he’s nice. He seems to be very happy with his boyfriend, although last night I did see a side of him that was a little dark. He was very angry when his friends weren’t able to properly direct us to their party. He kept on yelling at them over the phone and definitely took the alpha-male position amongst us. We eventually found our way.

Trace was nice and sat outside with me while I smoked. I felt compelled to unload on him. He sat patiently and listened for a bit, then, after I was done we didn’t talk about it anymore. I was appreciative and he was probably a little worried. I don’t know…I’m sorry for being that way.

Justin’s tea-cup broke. I’m really sorry about that. It happened when we were walking, I think I passed him a little too closely and, maybe, he didn’t have a great grip on it. It felt on the sidewalk and broke in about seven or eight pieces. He was upset….definitely upset but unwilling to place blame on anyone.

I felt like a fifth wheel at the end of the night when I walked back to my dorm. Struck up a conversation with Thomas on aim, he was cute on Friday night. I think I like him a lot. I don’t know, I hope when he returns next year (if I’m still here) that we can do something. I suppose it’s an infatuation.

As for now…I’m lonely beyond belief. I keep on telling myself “No, I don’t need anyone.” It’s working….a bit. I felt so incapable last night. I kept on meeting all these handsome guys who were already in relationships. It was discouraging. OH well…..this is my life. The only guy that I continually hit on me was a creep (zombie Tim). There was an angel though (matt). He was sweet and I liked him…I think it was his side-burns.

Maybe

I guess I'm not spiraling downward anymore. Hmm, I just feel like I'm surrounded by this silence. Nothing's really there...everyone is kind of preoccupied.
I guess I'm always so depressive in my journal because I really don't externalize a lot of my thoughts and feelings. I use "I" too often...
Introspection, this is not something I excel at.
I also guess, I'm not in the mood to write. I should've done this yesterday or so when I had all that energy and optimism. I'm not saying that I feel badly today, quite the contrary, I feel...complacent....
As this is being written it is now so clear to me...every "I" just seems to burn into my retinas. That word is used wayyy too much....it's a little upsetting. They're so prevalent here. Most people are sooooo self-absorbed...regardless....everyone's got a cross to bear.

Write more later....should the mood strike me....lol. :P

tired

So...I've been staying up till four every night and pretty much getting NO SLEEP...I've also been studying really hard for NOTHING. I'm so angry....I'm so fed up with myself. I feel as though I'm growing up so slowly but time just keeps on moving faster and faster. I'm falling behind. I can't do anything...I'm not independent and I hate myself....which TOTALLY validates my disdain for most other people! Especially those that talk about me behind my BACK!!! I'm so angry....GRRRR

I can never fall asleep at night, too many thoughts (I know Kathy's going to patronize me for that statement, "OH! I'm just SOOO DEEP....MY THOUGHTS HAUNT ME AT NIGHT!" That's exactly what she's going to say....or something equally irksome). It's becoming an issue....The lack of sleep...Kathy's never an issue. I was thinking last night though about how people are so blinded by either their cynical natures, or their optimism, romanticism, and everything else on that spectrum of perspectives. Liberals and conservatives are so extreme and inable to view anything else...intellectuals will never concede anything to anyone else (THEY'RE ALWAYYYYSSSSS RIGHTTTTT!!!). Ego's are so frustrating and destructive and really only do lead to ignorance. I still think I was in the right that one time over lunch freshman year...that just popped into my head too. Not like I've been holding some severe grudge or anything...haha. Really...lol. It's just that I absolutely HATE it when people refuse even the possibility of something other than what they've been taught. It's okay...I'm fine....

I want to leave...I should just start saving up money and as soon as I can just run away...I'm so tired of school. My lack of motivation makes me question whether or not I really belong here. I'm also inclined to believe that this place is really only an institution suited for leeching money and life out of people. We pay for experience and nothing more really. Well, at least, in non-science schools...maybe other departments are worth more/less than others. I don't know...nor do I care...everyone is equally pathetic. I'm fine though...I'm happy to have the friends I now have. I'm finally aware that I'm not alone all the time....It really makes me well-up to think about how much we care about one another...or at least my impression of that...you know? Hehe, anyway...


I'm going to go running now...maybe if I'm lucky a car will hit me. I'm so sleepy.....I'm glad I'm not always like this though...I'm just really upset right now...I wouldn't mind a little episode of binge drinking but I've got a paper due on Friday...This weekend...But! I do want to be productive and not so self-destructive...I guess we'll see how I feel on Friday night...But I definitely could use a cigarette...After my run. :)

WHaT?!

I can't believe I had Wendy's at 3 in the morning....I guess this means I'm not eating tomorrow. Doh!

- Just drinking...:)

Whining

It's so sad....why did I have to go and ruin it? I'm such woman....always wanting to talk. I keep on hearing from other people that I'm going to have to learn how to talk about nothing if I want to keep a relationship going. Something like...people wanting to save face and not wanting to be confronted with things. I don't know...It's just really frustrating...I guess.

Nerves

I want to scream. That's all I can do to drown it out. I'm so scared...I don't know anything. Why?! I need something. I want some clarity. I don't understand how I could become so discontented. I'm not making sense even to myself...and I think I just killed something. I'm so sorry....or at least I might be in the morning.

I'm on fire....

Can't sleep

I went to bed at twelve after feeling nauseous all day. I've been so stressed and plagued with guilt that I've developed a little twitch in my arm every time I think about it. My depression has physically manifested itself with headaches, and hot flashes. I get dizzy spells. I'm incapable of functioning. I can't believe I did that. I'm such an idiot.

I didn't fall asleep until well after 2 am only to wake up at 6 still thinking about it with the same queasy uneasiness I had felt when I fell asleep. I cried, and felt as though I wanted to throw up. He never responded, but I can only hope for the best.

I'd like to talk, but I doubt that's going to happen anytime in the near future. All I can do is be penitent and listen to the songs of the grand-fuck ups.

Unbelievable

I'm so curious. Why does my heart race so wildly for someone who doesn't even like me? This stupid high school infatuation. Oh well...it's bound to either be resolved soon...or never. But I suppose I won't let it linger too much.

- It's nice to dream though. :)

I don't know how we stopped being friends or why it happened. I'm sorry, I'm resentful. You seem to be having fun...I hope that continues.

CURRY!

Heh...I'm going back on the twenty-second! I'm so excited. Ready to make a change? I don't know...but I'm ready to have access to a gym and pool again. Ready to be around a multitude of people that I LOVE!!! Ooohh....But I will miss home. My nephew (who's grown on me) and the rest of my family that can sometimes drive me insane...but otherwise, I'm fine. I'm glad and I know that everything will go well this year...it's always just a slight adjustment to a certain mentality....and I suppose I've fixed that little part and am now able to keep happy.

Either way..I'm just really excited to go back to Austin. I keep on having all these dreams where I return to some crazy, magnificent, Hogwarts-esque school....haha!

Speaking of dreams....
Last night was weird. I was running away from Chucky (yes, that ginger doll). I was in a huge mansion with a bunch of people I knew. There were three floors and tons of wine. Haha...I kept on avoiding everyone else and trying to find that psychotic little doll. It was weird...I finally found and dismembered him. I threw him in a garbage bin and walked away. A new family found him but, in my dream, I didn't care because it wasn't my problem anymore. Then later on I was in Austin discussing different Indian restaurants with my aunt. I could go for some curry.

And at that moment...I felt weak.

I suppose I don't believe in, or care about privacy. I'm not the type of person to keep secrets. It's no surprise to anyone that I have weight issues. I can't say that I'm aware of this being a problem now although it may develop into one later. I don't necessarily care, right now all I care about is maintaining my waist size, and keeping a certain shape.
We went out last night. Bought a large bottle of rum and drank on our expedition with many little misadventures along the way. When we had arrived at the club we sat around and waited for our other friends to join us. At this moment, I began to felt hungry. Not like I usually do...but this was more painful. I believe it was due to the drinking. I felt sick....I had eaten earlier though and could not understand why I felt hungry. I'm not the type of person to succumb to physical pain. Pangs of hunger actually satisfy me. For some sadistic reason...I quite enjoy feeling this kind of pain. Anyway...I felt disgusting when we had later gone to eat at a 24 hour breakfast diner and I had buckled under the weight of my hunger.
Every bite was met with a great disdain from my eyes and knife. It's not as if it went unnoticed either. Everyone around the table noticed everything. How I cut, jabbed, and chewed my meal. I kept a stone-cold demeanor throughout the entire experience wanting only to leave.
On the ride home...I kept the same face and as the air-conditioning hit my face I felt as though it were freezing more than just my exterior. It was penetrating my skin and cooling my soul. I felt frigid. Every time someone touches me I withdraw. I feel as though I'm incapable of feeling love. I've come to hate myself so much...it's become impossible for me to feel for someone else what I can't even feel for myself. The other night I had a binge drinking episode. I sat on the floor for an hour and a half and cried due to the contempt I feel for myself.
And yet...all I want is love. They differ so greatly...platonic and romantic love. The satisfaction one can draw from romantic love seems unlimited while on the other hand platonic love can grow to become to familiar. But...whatever the speculations of these philosophies are...to make a long story short...The point is that I'm lonely. I'm so easily forgotten it's just no surprise that I have such low self-esteem. But...I suppose it's okay. I don't care and neither should anyone else.

Well....this has been a deeply personal entry. I hope that no one takes it for granted that I have confided my secrets in whoever is reading. It doesn't matter too much anyway. I should never be taken me so seriously anyway...

Hardwire

What breeds misanthropy? Is it an inflated ego, or sense of self-righteousness? Perhaps. The tendency to underestimate humanity and it's ability to comprehend complex emotions and to follow through with the morality of the world. People can take and take and take and yet never put back into the pot. Hateful. It's always refreshing to meet someone who is happy.
Surrounded by those who constantly overreact and act aggressively takes a toll on me. It wears me down. I feel as though their energy is seeping into me and changing me. I'm not a hateful person, but I've repressed so much anger that sometimes I feel as though I'm going to burst. I want to scream, I want to bludgeon, and I want satisfaction. I'm so angry, and at the same time overcome with an overwhelming sense of melancholy. I don't know, I just with the universe were a just place. I still hold my beliefs about what goes around comes around...I just want to see it happen. I don't know. I wish you weren't so egotistical and I wish we could just have a calm conversation instead of your constant squawking.

A new trend

Wow, it's spreading like wildfire. It seems as though everyone cares. I find that to be quite improbable. It's turning it into something stupid and meaningless.
How can you feel bad for another you don't know? Much less report on it? It's stupid, there's no point. Anything you have to say has probably already been said, and probably in a manner that is much less trite or cloying. God, what a bother.
I can't believe it, somewhere around 15 status updates that appear mention it. How much they cared and whatnot. RIP splashed across the page as though it means something from so many individuals. Hmm, well....I suppose I can't think of a more intimate way to express one's mourning than over facebook. BRAVO! It's scathing.

Not like it's a bad thing

So I was unable to resist the temptation
I bit from the apple and...
I wouldn't say I was cast out of the Garden of Eden
More like suspended.
The taste of the fruit brought back memories even sweeter
Nostalgia that appealed to all five senses
Breathing and beating, synchronizing.
Proof of resilience!
Those few hours of freedom
How precious
Not to be bound by rules or morals
Ties nor obligations
There was nothing wrong with it
It felt perfect
It was however, illusory
And illusions are by their nature sweet.
However right it felt to be on the other side of the wall
I know I belong in that garden
that wretched garden where the self-righteous preside.
Hypocrites.
Why?
It was though, so perfect...like your poem.
I can't feel your hand on mine because it is mine.

YAY

A Boy has a right to dream. There are endless possibilities stretched out before him
Whatever happens from now on, you stand firm and face your destiny without fear. But with courage
No one is going to give you a map, you have to walk your own path.
Believe in yourself and create your own destiny. Don't fear failure

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP-ugoF-www&feature=channel_page

Oh nostalgia! I'm so happy I found this. Took me BACK!

Power

Whether or not I'm alone...tonight. I will seduce everyone there.

Consumed

I absolutely loathe you.

- Roach.

Inspired

For a while now...I've been lacking ambition and drive. I haven't felt any urgency or need to do anything. The only thing I've been concerned with is my body. My weight, endurance, and overall performance. I've been running four miles pretty much everyday this last week. Through this I generate happiness and energy and at the end of it I realize that I could probably go another four miles.

Life is all about perspective. This is about the only fact I know that is useful when I'm going through things. Altering outlooks and mindsets makes all the difference on a bad day. Looking for the positive in one's life enriches them and makes them realize that the bad isn't that bad. I sometimes wish I were a better person but then I realize that I'm just grateful to be a person. In my world, there seems to be so much debauchery, unhappiness, and self-destructiveness and these are not people. They are opportunists. They mask themselves and are so used to locking up their hearts in safes that they no longer have access to it.

Fraudulent, and honestly...only after one thing. All they want is to use you and take advantage of whatever you've got to offer. Envy drives them and malice controls them. I don't want to be like this (them). I'm not...anymore. I need to put behind me any hang-ups I've got and move forward. I want to be something. I want to help people. I want a lot of things.

No more negativity.

I have it...I know it. I just need to tap into it and make the best use of it. :)

Nothing else to say other than...

I'm the epitome of worthless.

- Thanks for listening folks. Everyone under the sun has rejected me. Huh...I wonder what I'll do next?

seriously

I NEED TO STOP

As I was reading I came across this

Kathy will appreciate it (as it is so applicable!). It's about dating

I took her to a night club
I took her to a show,
I took her almost every place
A boy and girl could go.
I took her to the dances
I took her out to tea,
Then suddenly I realized
That she'd been taking me.

HEHE. :)

Few Choice Words (work in progress stuff)

These are a few of my favorite things...

To See - The sun, Blue skies, Green grass, Sunlight through trees, Dark jeans, Curly hair, A Full or Sickle Moon, Stars, Sand, the Ocean, Reflections, Green eyes, Autumnal leaves, Intense rain, Black ink, Moving shadows, Wind caught in curtains, Acts of charity, Humanity, Looking out of windows of moving cars, Waves crashing, Smoke, Light rain, Tea leaves, Gray skies, People laying out in the grass staring at the sky, Other people smoking, Laugh lines on peoples' faces, Dark purple things, Shaven heads, White Christmas lights, Spectacular Views, Grey, Gold on Navy Blue, Freckles on shoulders :),

To Feel (physically) - My sweater, bed sheets, Dogs, Warm skin, Soft hair, Pearls, Water, Hot water, Fingers, Wind and Rain, Warm breezes, Lips, Flower petals, Coffee down the throat, Heartbreak, The feel of lead scraping against paper, Clean, Dried candle wax on my hands, Sharp Teeth, Inebriated, Starving, Light rain on my face, Cold wind blowing against my already frozen face, Pressure on the fleshy area between my shoulder blades, Sinking into a huge chair, Steam from the shower, Warm scarves around my throat, Sore, Taut, Tight, Compact, Hands on your waist, Lips on my hips, Your arms and flesh on mine,

To Feel (emotionally) - Satisfaction, Contentment, Contempt, Disdain, Bitter, Vengeance, Your suffering, Clarity, Powerful, Calculating, Being proven wrong/right, Tainted, Sweet, Kind, Hopeful, Inspired, Lethargic, Exhausted, Studious, Long last at peace, Missed, Anxious, Reinvigorated, Empowered, In control, Confident, Unique, Soulful,

To Taste - Tea, Coffee, Cinnamon, Almond, Chocolate, Apples, Tangerines, Mandarins, Pumpkin, Cream, You, Raspberries, Raisins, Blueberries, Apricots, Nectarines, Amaretto, Honey, Nothing, Lemons, Pancakes, Apple mixed with cinnamon, and caramel makes for quite the amazing tea, Wheat, Brown sugar, Dough, Shortbread,

To Smell - Success, Defeat, Smoke, Burning wood, Roses, Pomegranates, Candles, Oatmeal, Cinnamon, Baked bread, Tortillas on the stove, Cologne (it doesn't matter which one you wear), Rain, Booze breath, Chocolate breath, Clean, Burberry, Moisturizer

To Hear - The sound of the Ocean, Crickets, Rain, Tales of long adventures, Kathy's voice, Marimbas, Resonating strings, Humming, Confidence, Plans, Consolation, Compliments, Put downs, Wit, Cracking whips, Crackling fires, Glass shattering, Wailing, Howling, Purring, Blowing across the mouth of an empty bottle, Wailing sirens, Clocks ticking, Chattering teeth, The sound keys clicking, Electronic beats, Laughter, Water flowing, Belanova, Remix's, Wind Chimes, The splintering of your bones and breaking of your heart,

To Say - Despite, Spite, Disdain, Loathe, Fret, Fear, Contemplate, Pensive, Pessimism, Optimism, Hate, Rage, Dark, Toxic, Luminous, Inflamed, Outraged, Cruelty, Betrayal, Serene, Calm, Umbra, Tristesse, Joyous, Melody, Harmonious, Complimentary, Comparable, Incompetent, Callous, Dichotomy, Involution, Clear, Harpy, Talons, Sharpen, Animalistic, Cream, Early, Morning, Twilight, Safe, Threaten, Composure, Simply, Contemptuous, Spectre, Fool, Spectacular, Swell, Magnificent, Splendid, Suppose, Guess, Figure, Resent, Regret, Lament, Relish, Sorrow, Tomorrow, Definitive, Destruction, Love, Thorns, Prick, Bleed, Involution, Determine, Concrete, Sadism, Melancholy, Inevitable, Serenity, Depth, Conjure, Manifestations, Waste, Peace, Your name, Woop!, Necessity, Avarice, Anticipation, Tender,

Apologies.

Okay, I realize that I take things to heart...A LOT! But that really is just the type of person I am. I don't know. I wouldn't change it...for anything. It does lead to excessive pains, stresses, and "let-downs" but..I still feel that it's always worth it. I enjoy feelings the severe ups, the downs...they just come along with all that.

I'm also a very hopeful person, this will also never change. I don't ever want to find myself one day glazed over with cynicism. That would be the end of life itself. I find it, a handicap. You can't enjoy life like that, and after all...there is a lot of pleasure to be had in this life. Without hope, what have you got?

Out of desperation, which is another quality I find myself abundant in, I suppose I find things that aren't real. I fabricate feelings, and I..lose control. I really wish I could be more level-headed..but I'm just a child. I always will be.

Intense, isn't it?

This is probably one of the only times, I'll ever really want to admit that I've made a mistake (mistakes). I'm a Leo, and I'm FILLED with pride. I can be...RIDICULOUSLY egotistical. This is a trait...I don't wish I had. Confidence, yes...but being self-absorbed? Absolutely not.

Immature, in some ways and wise in others. I'm a jack in training, I will eventually master wisdom and the complexities in life. At least, this is my aim.

- Michael.

P.S. Also sorry for not always being the best friend and being a bit detached sometimes.

How dare you.

You betrayed me and my trust.

There's no dancing around that

I don't care however you choose to justify your actions

Whatever lies you give me, it's all bullshit

I don't care if you were merely lonely (like the others).

You did it.

It's irrevocable.

I told you, didn't I?

Lonely lonely That is Me.

Loneliness has been acting up again. For no apparent reason, it's been pervasively finding it's way throughout me. When I say I have no reason, I assume I don't. I'm very unaware. What happened to me? I'm different now. I can't determine if it's good or bad. I just feel really angry about it right now.

Whatever, I'm just upset about things not going as I had hoped. HAha, that was cruel of me. Even at that, I'm not bothered by that. Now I'm sounding like HIM. Questioning my self-worth again? No! I can't do that. That would be to relapse when I've already won and the game has cleared out.

I guess, I slept through my classes today, except for the one at three thirty this afternoon. I have good reason for that though. Yesterday was FUCKING exhausting. I was running on about three and a half hours of sleep. I did so much. God...

Whatever, here's some Feist, because I love her.

What gives, what helps
The Intuition
I'll know, I'll know
Oh, I won't have to be shown
The way home
And it's not about a boy
Although, although

They can lead you
Break and defeat you

A destination known
Only by the one
Whose fate is overgrown
Piecemeal can break your home
In half
A love is not complete
With only heat

And they can tease you
Break or complete you

And in came a heat wave
A merciful save
And you choose, you chose
Poetry over prose

A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how you might have changed it all
And how he might have changed it all for you

And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I miss out on
You...

Hmm

Well, if you thought you were winning. You were wrong. I'm about a million paces ahead of you


- Oh, yeah! I forgot to say. She cheated on you.
......................twat.

Here!

"I'm sorry to say this but those who are most worthy of love are never made happy by it. Do you still think men love the way we do? No... men enjoy the happiness they feel. We can only enjoy the happiness we give. They are not capable of devoting themselves exclusively to one person. So to hope to be made happy by love is a certain cause of grief."

Interesting world

So, earlier today I had my Coming of Age in America class. It's always really fun and the discussions are usually stimulating. Today, I walked in a bit late for a screening covering racial segregation in Nashville....
I have never been more moved by any film, ever. Some of the clips shown were hard to watch. There was such brutality amongst people that I almost couldn't stand it. It was touching to see people of intermixed race stand up for one another. In an instance with the Freedom Riders, there were mobs outside of a bus and as they decided to face their fate and exit off of the front of the bus, a white man went first. He was pulled into the mob and savagely beaten, but he did it so the others could run.
I felt, afterwards, ignorant and stupid... as if I was just this absolutely ridiculous person. I felt as if, I had no real purpose or meaning. They fought hard for what they believed in and didn't run from those who sought to suppress them. They executed peaceful protests and were beat for it, but they did not relent.

We are animals, there's no other way of putting it. To be capable of such hatred and contempt for one another, there's just absolutely no other way to explain it.
- I would die for my beliefs.

"I'll never win? Will I...?"

So, I've run out of ink in my favorite pen and am thus unable to write in my actual journal...So I'll write here. Little list of things...consider it free writing

• I can't believe last Saturday happened, what the FUCK was I thinking. How dare me, seriously. I don't know why it happened. I'm really upset with myself about it, because I was doing really well up till he called me earlier.
  
• I have however, accepted the fact that he's probably always going to be there. Not for me, but just there in the background soaking up whatever sympathy he can get from me.
• I've made a lot of assumptions, and I'm right, I know that much. But...I wish he would disappear. Honestly.
• Well, this is free writing and from what I've written...I guess I'm not fine with it. It's obviously still bothering me.
  
• GAh! I hate him.
  
• His arrogance is repulsive.
  

I'm done. Anyway, I'm insanely sleepy. Christ...I have so much work for tomorrow, two tests. HAha! The longer I procrastinate here, online, the less I'll be able to work later on tonight. What am I going to do? I need to get my shit together, this semester has been sucking...there's so much to do.
Also, I've been questioning, again, whether or not I'm a good person. I don't know why, I guess I just hear myself speak sometimes and react with: WTF?! Did I really just say that?

I'm understanding, and caring. I'll work hard, and I'll do whatever I can. What else is there? I'm not resilient. I don't necessarily deal with my own problems too well...but whatever. I'm insignificant compared to those around me.

Played racquetball yesterday with Gabe and Kim. Needless to say, I played a bit more fiercely with her. Only because I really wanted to obliterate her. I'm still very angry about what happened between us. I don't know, if anything I expected at least her and me to still be good friends. Whatever, sheep stick to their flocks I suppose.

- I kind of wish we were still friends, but only kind of.

DONE

Found this survey, wanted to fill it out.

B A S I C S

They call me : Michael
M/F: M
B-day: 8-12-89
Siblings: An older sister. (24)
Hair color: Light Brown
Eye color: Light Brown
Height: 5’9”-ish...I'm not too sure.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S
Who is your best friend?: HAhAHA Inner circle currently includes:

Katherine

Raul

Trey

Alfred

Jessica

Adrienne!

Gabe

F A S H I O N | S T U F F
Where is your favorite place to shop: Oh goodness, I LOVE Banana Republic and...Buckle (a nice contrast)

Any tattoos or piercings: I want a tattoo and maybe even a piercing (haven't thought about the piercing as much)

S P E C I F I C S
Do you do drugs?: Oh noz! Not in a good while.
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Whatever is usually there, Pantene right now because I'm in swimming and it's pretty damaging to my awesome locks! :)
What are you listening to right now? Playlist including: well...a lot of artists...Feist right now.
Who is the last person that called you? Actual phone call, Kathy. :D
Where do you want to get married? All I know is somewhere beautiful!

F A V O R I T E S
Color: Teal, I think that's the color of this font? Well, maybe a darker shade.
Food: Italian, Asian, Mexican, Bar-B-Que is ALWAYS great!
Boys names: Paul - Hands DOWN!
Girls names: Vanessa, Michelle, Allison
Subjects in school: Psychology! English Literature
Animals: You can't ask me this:

Sealions!

Walrus's

Cats

Dogs

Raptors (birds of prey)

Snakes

Sharks

Insects

Arachnids

Pretty much all of them. :P

H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
Given anyone a bath?: Yes.
Bungee jumped?: Nope.
Made yourself throw up?: Oooh...shameful. But yes.
Skinny dipped?: Yep
Ever been in love?: Yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I don't think I can make myself cry
Cried when someone died?: DUH
Lied: yep
Fallen for your best friend?: I'm gay and my friends are predominantly women. But yes, it was stupid.
Been rejected: Every day.
Used someone: Another shameful yes.
Done something you regret?: No, I act for a reason. If I do something it's because I know I'm going to enjoy it.
C U R R E N T
Clothes: I like where this survey is going...Just a hoodie and shorts. Very comfortable. ;)
Music: Sunday Morning, Maroon 5!
Make-up: never!
Annoyance: my contact lenses and also...there's this little gnat in my room.
Smell: Like...awesome-ness!
Desktop picture: Michael Caine with a cigarette in his mouth staring at me like he's just been through a lot of shit.

CD in player?: Those things don't exist anymore. ;)
DVD in player: It might as well just be The Little Mermaid...Come on...

A R E | Y O U
Understanding?: Unwaveringly
Open-minded: Yep
Insecure: Right now, yes. Usually...not so much.
Random: I can be.
Hungry: I just ate, so no! I feel fat...
Moody: Occasionally.
Smart: repeat....:/
Hard working: Yes, I'd like to think so
Organized: Maybe
Healthy: I smoke, binge drink, starve myself (only sometimes), but I swim often so...Okay!
Shy: not at all
Difficult: This isn't a question to ask me.
Bored easily: ALL THE FUCKING TIME
Responsible?: When it's necessary
Angry: not usually
Sad: I do have a sad affect about me sometimes.
Hyper: YES!
Trusting:

People trust me, and I, myself, am an open book. If we meet randomly, I'll give you my life story after five minutes of knowing you. I won't leave anything out, I swear!

W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A
Kill?: absolutely no one.
Slap: D-bag! Verbally.
kiss: You tell me O_o.
talk to right now: My pillow.

R A N D O M
In the morning I am: Thinner than I will be at the end of the day.
All you need is: Love...DUH
Love is: AMAZING!
I dream about: Nothing, lately. But usually really weird shit that doesn't make sense.
What do you notice first in the sex you're into:

Physically - Face and Clothing

Internally - Competence, reactions, and confidence.

W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R
Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Flowers or candy: HARD choice to make.
Tall or short: Taller
Makes you laugh the most: Well, it was Kathy last night.
Makes you smile: It doesn't take much.
Gives you butterflys when you see him/her: Haven't felt that since I was a freshman in high school. Most college guys are assholes. (so were the one's in highschool, but at least then I was oblivious to it).

Detestation!

Your arrogance is repulsive.

- I need a cigarette. I need to get back to work and ditch this headache.

Once again...

Will we always be like little kids
running group to group asking who loves me?
Don’t know who loves me!
It’s pathetic. It’s impossible.

My life has been...fucking weird the past couple of days.
I don't get what's happening, a string of awkward
coincidences has been occurring. Too many to simply attribute it to...
I don't know...haphazard-ness...
I guess I should just chock it up to my stupidity. Whatever.
I don't know why I just did that...force myself to sit through those ten awful minutes with you.
Forced to listen to your pathetic stories, and watch you waste away. You look so god damned thin now...Kind of like Riley. Does this mean I'll take you home and feed you too? Take care of you and love you only to have you throw me to the dogs once you're back to yourself.
How naive of me to disregard what everyone else already knew.
That you would never be capable of hurting me. I put myself out there, and gave you all of me.
And you tore it apart. You took each thing I'd given you and threw all of it away.

I don't know why I'm writing about you. What can I hope to gain from this? Well, I suppose catharsis is always kind of nifty! Either way, I refuse to care. Although, looking at you I really can't help but want to offer you a hand.
A hand, and a warm smile. Something to try to get you to believe that everything will be okay.
I guess I'm being a little redundant. That's fine.

Tonight and tomorrow I will be INSANELY productive. I have far too much else to feel this weekend to be stuck doing work, although I know it'll be okay...or at least I hope it will.

POSITIVE THINKING! NO EXPECTATIONS EVER!!!

(I can't not have expectations...it's just my nature)

Hmmm..

it's called narcissism.

Lacking

Something is always missing. I can't explain why I was in such a bad mood. Perhaps these have something to do with it all....?
(I feel like experimenting with colors! Different colors describe different situations)
- I've got nothing to show for it despite...well, I don't know...it's okay.
- You're so fucking persistent!
- We fought and don't talk anymore
- I missed you
- What the HELL?! I just don't understand how you could be so...unsympathetic.
- YOU called me.
- I always feel as if I'm ditching someone.
- Got to please everyone...obviously...btw lose some weight dear!
- I have way too much else to do to be busy with this. (I say this often now)
You are the sweet one, the sweet one under the sun.
I'm excited to be going swimming on Friday with Jessica. That'll be fun! Yippee! I need to do laundry....I need to finish my homework, right now I need to shower, get dressed, and go to class in an hour. There's also valentine's day on Saturday. Trey's friend's party on Friday, and....that's all I've got. I don't know.

Borrowed from Alfred

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


- The Velveteen Rabbit

This is beautiful. I wish I were real, or at least had someone who made me feel as if I were real(ly loved...). How dismal. I don't know why I looked back to this at this time or what. I'm really emotional right now, I don't get it. I'm kind of upset about it. I had been really happy up till now. Damned Chris Mullin's always knows what to say to bring me down or make me feel like shit. Bless his heart, he's the only one who can make me feel bad. He doesn't even do it intentionally....

...I have too much to catch up on to care about anything else....fuck it.

On the Sly

Wipe it up you're capable of putting back a few when you have to memorize The history of your body like a virgin
Ladies night
80's night
The kids get high and eat TV
So do we
For Halloween
I want to be Lenny Bruce

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
So you can love me on the sly

My old flame broke the 12 bar blues
just to prove he could
He pays the airline DJs now
He is everywhere

I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
So you can love me on the sly.
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me

I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

Fill me in on horrible
how much is there
where else can I live?
The dirty sugar factory
on the water
should smell sweet

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

Acid Tongue

I went to a cobbler
To fix a hole in my shoe
He took one look at my face
And said, "I can fix that hole in you"

I beg your pardon
I'm not looking for a cure
Seen enough of my friends
In the depths of the godsick blues

You know I am a liar
You know I am a liar
Nobody helps a liar

Because I've been down to Dixie
And dropped acid on my tongue
Tripped upon the land
Until enough was enough

I was a little bit lighter
And adventure on my sleeve
I was a little drunk
And looking for company

So I found myself a sweetheart
With the softest of hands
We were unlucky in love
But I'd do it all again

We build ourselves a fire
We build ourselves a fire
But you know I am a liar
You know I am a liar

And you don't know what I've done

By the rolling river is
Exactly where I was
There was no simple cure
For unlucky in love

To be lonely is a habit
Like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both
But man, was it rough

Now I am tired
It just made me tired
Let's build ourselves a fire
Let's build ourselves a fire

Here's a list of details about my life

* Last night was a blast
* I finally grew a pair and was able to block the one influence in my life that was affecting me like a cancer affects the body
*Everything is going swimmingly in this oh so spectacular new year
*I think I'm going to love all my classes except my main psychology class
*Everything is a contest and I plan on winning the gold
*I will do even better this semester than I did last semester because I can
*I will learn to value myself more and not be such a depressing or melancholy person anymore.
*I'm really happy :)