Apologies.

Okay, I realize that I take things to heart...A LOT! But that really is just the type of person I am. I don't know. I wouldn't change it...for anything. It does lead to excessive pains, stresses, and "let-downs" but..I still feel that it's always worth it. I enjoy feelings the severe ups, the downs...they just come along with all that.

I'm also a very hopeful person, this will also never change. I don't ever want to find myself one day glazed over with cynicism. That would be the end of life itself. I find it, a handicap. You can't enjoy life like that, and after all...there is a lot of pleasure to be had in this life. Without hope, what have you got?

Out of desperation, which is another quality I find myself abundant in, I suppose I find things that aren't real. I fabricate feelings, and I..lose control. I really wish I could be more level-headed..but I'm just a child. I always will be.

Intense, isn't it?

This is probably one of the only times, I'll ever really want to admit that I've made a mistake (mistakes). I'm a Leo, and I'm FILLED with pride. I can be...RIDICULOUSLY egotistical. This is a trait...I don't wish I had. Confidence, yes...but being self-absorbed? Absolutely not.

Immature, in some ways and wise in others. I'm a jack in training, I will eventually master wisdom and the complexities in life. At least, this is my aim.

- Michael.

P.S. Also sorry for not always being the best friend and being a bit detached sometimes.

How dare you.

You betrayed me and my trust.

There's no dancing around that

I don't care however you choose to justify your actions

Whatever lies you give me, it's all bullshit

I don't care if you were merely lonely (like the others).

You did it.

It's irrevocable.

I told you, didn't I?

Lonely lonely That is Me.

Loneliness has been acting up again. For no apparent reason, it's been pervasively finding it's way throughout me. When I say I have no reason, I assume I don't. I'm very unaware. What happened to me? I'm different now. I can't determine if it's good or bad. I just feel really angry about it right now.

Whatever, I'm just upset about things not going as I had hoped. HAha, that was cruel of me. Even at that, I'm not bothered by that. Now I'm sounding like HIM. Questioning my self-worth again? No! I can't do that. That would be to relapse when I've already won and the game has cleared out.

I guess, I slept through my classes today, except for the one at three thirty this afternoon. I have good reason for that though. Yesterday was FUCKING exhausting. I was running on about three and a half hours of sleep. I did so much. God...

Whatever, here's some Feist, because I love her.

What gives, what helps
The Intuition
I'll know, I'll know
Oh, I won't have to be shown
The way home
And it's not about a boy
Although, although

They can lead you
Break and defeat you

A destination known
Only by the one
Whose fate is overgrown
Piecemeal can break your home
In half
A love is not complete
With only heat

And they can tease you
Break or complete you

And in came a heat wave
A merciful save
And you choose, you chose
Poetry over prose

A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how you might have changed it all
And how he might have changed it all for you

And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I miss out on
You...

Hmm

Well, if you thought you were winning. You were wrong. I'm about a million paces ahead of you


- Oh, yeah! I forgot to say. She cheated on you.
......................twat.

Here!

"I'm sorry to say this but those who are most worthy of love are never made happy by it. Do you still think men love the way we do? No... men enjoy the happiness they feel. We can only enjoy the happiness we give. They are not capable of devoting themselves exclusively to one person. So to hope to be made happy by love is a certain cause of grief."

Interesting world

So, earlier today I had my Coming of Age in America class. It's always really fun and the discussions are usually stimulating. Today, I walked in a bit late for a screening covering racial segregation in Nashville....
I have never been more moved by any film, ever. Some of the clips shown were hard to watch. There was such brutality amongst people that I almost couldn't stand it. It was touching to see people of intermixed race stand up for one another. In an instance with the Freedom Riders, there were mobs outside of a bus and as they decided to face their fate and exit off of the front of the bus, a white man went first. He was pulled into the mob and savagely beaten, but he did it so the others could run.
I felt, afterwards, ignorant and stupid... as if I was just this absolutely ridiculous person. I felt as if, I had no real purpose or meaning. They fought hard for what they believed in and didn't run from those who sought to suppress them. They executed peaceful protests and were beat for it, but they did not relent.

We are animals, there's no other way of putting it. To be capable of such hatred and contempt for one another, there's just absolutely no other way to explain it.
- I would die for my beliefs.

"I'll never win? Will I...?"

So, I've run out of ink in my favorite pen and am thus unable to write in my actual journal...So I'll write here. Little list of things...consider it free writing

• I can't believe last Saturday happened, what the FUCK was I thinking. How dare me, seriously. I don't know why it happened. I'm really upset with myself about it, because I was doing really well up till he called me earlier.
  
• I have however, accepted the fact that he's probably always going to be there. Not for me, but just there in the background soaking up whatever sympathy he can get from me.
• I've made a lot of assumptions, and I'm right, I know that much. But...I wish he would disappear. Honestly.
• Well, this is free writing and from what I've written...I guess I'm not fine with it. It's obviously still bothering me.
  
• GAh! I hate him.
  
• His arrogance is repulsive.
  

I'm done. Anyway, I'm insanely sleepy. Christ...I have so much work for tomorrow, two tests. HAha! The longer I procrastinate here, online, the less I'll be able to work later on tonight. What am I going to do? I need to get my shit together, this semester has been sucking...there's so much to do.
Also, I've been questioning, again, whether or not I'm a good person. I don't know why, I guess I just hear myself speak sometimes and react with: WTF?! Did I really just say that?

I'm understanding, and caring. I'll work hard, and I'll do whatever I can. What else is there? I'm not resilient. I don't necessarily deal with my own problems too well...but whatever. I'm insignificant compared to those around me.

Played racquetball yesterday with Gabe and Kim. Needless to say, I played a bit more fiercely with her. Only because I really wanted to obliterate her. I'm still very angry about what happened between us. I don't know, if anything I expected at least her and me to still be good friends. Whatever, sheep stick to their flocks I suppose.

- I kind of wish we were still friends, but only kind of.

DONE

Found this survey, wanted to fill it out.

B A S I C S

They call me : Michael
M/F: M
B-day: 8-12-89
Siblings: An older sister. (24)
Hair color: Light Brown
Eye color: Light Brown
Height: 5’9”-ish...I'm not too sure.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S
Who is your best friend?: HAhAHA Inner circle currently includes:

Katherine

Raul

Trey

Alfred

Jessica

Adrienne!

Gabe

F A S H I O N | S T U F F
Where is your favorite place to shop: Oh goodness, I LOVE Banana Republic and...Buckle (a nice contrast)

Any tattoos or piercings: I want a tattoo and maybe even a piercing (haven't thought about the piercing as much)

S P E C I F I C S
Do you do drugs?: Oh noz! Not in a good while.
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Whatever is usually there, Pantene right now because I'm in swimming and it's pretty damaging to my awesome locks! :)
What are you listening to right now? Playlist including: well...a lot of artists...Feist right now.
Who is the last person that called you? Actual phone call, Kathy. :D
Where do you want to get married? All I know is somewhere beautiful!

F A V O R I T E S
Color: Teal, I think that's the color of this font? Well, maybe a darker shade.
Food: Italian, Asian, Mexican, Bar-B-Que is ALWAYS great!
Boys names: Paul - Hands DOWN!
Girls names: Vanessa, Michelle, Allison
Subjects in school: Psychology! English Literature
Animals: You can't ask me this:

Sealions!

Walrus's

Cats

Dogs

Raptors (birds of prey)

Snakes

Sharks

Insects

Arachnids

Pretty much all of them. :P

H A V E | Y O U | E V E R
Given anyone a bath?: Yes.
Bungee jumped?: Nope.
Made yourself throw up?: Oooh...shameful. But yes.
Skinny dipped?: Yep
Ever been in love?: Yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I don't think I can make myself cry
Cried when someone died?: DUH
Lied: yep
Fallen for your best friend?: I'm gay and my friends are predominantly women. But yes, it was stupid.
Been rejected: Every day.
Used someone: Another shameful yes.
Done something you regret?: No, I act for a reason. If I do something it's because I know I'm going to enjoy it.
C U R R E N T
Clothes: I like where this survey is going...Just a hoodie and shorts. Very comfortable. ;)
Music: Sunday Morning, Maroon 5!
Make-up: never!
Annoyance: my contact lenses and also...there's this little gnat in my room.
Smell: Like...awesome-ness!
Desktop picture: Michael Caine with a cigarette in his mouth staring at me like he's just been through a lot of shit.

CD in player?: Those things don't exist anymore. ;)
DVD in player: It might as well just be The Little Mermaid...Come on...

A R E | Y O U
Understanding?: Unwaveringly
Open-minded: Yep
Insecure: Right now, yes. Usually...not so much.
Random: I can be.
Hungry: I just ate, so no! I feel fat...
Moody: Occasionally.
Smart: repeat....:/
Hard working: Yes, I'd like to think so
Organized: Maybe
Healthy: I smoke, binge drink, starve myself (only sometimes), but I swim often so...Okay!
Shy: not at all
Difficult: This isn't a question to ask me.
Bored easily: ALL THE FUCKING TIME
Responsible?: When it's necessary
Angry: not usually
Sad: I do have a sad affect about me sometimes.
Hyper: YES!
Trusting:

People trust me, and I, myself, am an open book. If we meet randomly, I'll give you my life story after five minutes of knowing you. I won't leave anything out, I swear!

W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A
Kill?: absolutely no one.
Slap: D-bag! Verbally.
kiss: You tell me O_o.
talk to right now: My pillow.

R A N D O M
In the morning I am: Thinner than I will be at the end of the day.
All you need is: Love...DUH
Love is: AMAZING!
I dream about: Nothing, lately. But usually really weird shit that doesn't make sense.
What do you notice first in the sex you're into:

Physically - Face and Clothing

Internally - Competence, reactions, and confidence.

W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R
Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Flowers or candy: HARD choice to make.
Tall or short: Taller
Makes you laugh the most: Well, it was Kathy last night.
Makes you smile: It doesn't take much.
Gives you butterflys when you see him/her: Haven't felt that since I was a freshman in high school. Most college guys are assholes. (so were the one's in highschool, but at least then I was oblivious to it).

Detestation!

Your arrogance is repulsive.

- I need a cigarette. I need to get back to work and ditch this headache.

Once again...

Will we always be like little kids
running group to group asking who loves me?
Don’t know who loves me!
It’s pathetic. It’s impossible.

My life has been...fucking weird the past couple of days.
I don't get what's happening, a string of awkward
coincidences has been occurring. Too many to simply attribute it to...
I don't know...haphazard-ness...
I guess I should just chock it up to my stupidity. Whatever.
I don't know why I just did that...force myself to sit through those ten awful minutes with you.
Forced to listen to your pathetic stories, and watch you waste away. You look so god damned thin now...Kind of like Riley. Does this mean I'll take you home and feed you too? Take care of you and love you only to have you throw me to the dogs once you're back to yourself.
How naive of me to disregard what everyone else already knew.
That you would never be capable of hurting me. I put myself out there, and gave you all of me.
And you tore it apart. You took each thing I'd given you and threw all of it away.

I don't know why I'm writing about you. What can I hope to gain from this? Well, I suppose catharsis is always kind of nifty! Either way, I refuse to care. Although, looking at you I really can't help but want to offer you a hand.
A hand, and a warm smile. Something to try to get you to believe that everything will be okay.
I guess I'm being a little redundant. That's fine.

Tonight and tomorrow I will be INSANELY productive. I have far too much else to feel this weekend to be stuck doing work, although I know it'll be okay...or at least I hope it will.

POSITIVE THINKING! NO EXPECTATIONS EVER!!!

(I can't not have expectations...it's just my nature)

Hmmm..

it's called narcissism.

Lacking

Something is always missing. I can't explain why I was in such a bad mood. Perhaps these have something to do with it all....?
(I feel like experimenting with colors! Different colors describe different situations)
- I've got nothing to show for it despite...well, I don't know...it's okay.
- You're so fucking persistent!
- We fought and don't talk anymore
- I missed you
- What the HELL?! I just don't understand how you could be so...unsympathetic.
- YOU called me.
- I always feel as if I'm ditching someone.
- Got to please everyone...obviously...btw lose some weight dear!
- I have way too much else to do to be busy with this. (I say this often now)
You are the sweet one, the sweet one under the sun.
I'm excited to be going swimming on Friday with Jessica. That'll be fun! Yippee! I need to do laundry....I need to finish my homework, right now I need to shower, get dressed, and go to class in an hour. There's also valentine's day on Saturday. Trey's friend's party on Friday, and....that's all I've got. I don't know.

Borrowed from Alfred

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


- The Velveteen Rabbit

This is beautiful. I wish I were real, or at least had someone who made me feel as if I were real(ly loved...). How dismal. I don't know why I looked back to this at this time or what. I'm really emotional right now, I don't get it. I'm kind of upset about it. I had been really happy up till now. Damned Chris Mullin's always knows what to say to bring me down or make me feel like shit. Bless his heart, he's the only one who can make me feel bad. He doesn't even do it intentionally....

...I have too much to catch up on to care about anything else....fuck it.

On the Sly

Wipe it up you're capable of putting back a few when you have to memorize The history of your body like a virgin
Ladies night
80's night
The kids get high and eat TV
So do we
For Halloween
I want to be Lenny Bruce

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
So you can love me on the sly

My old flame broke the 12 bar blues
just to prove he could
He pays the airline DJs now
He is everywhere

I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
So you can love me on the sly.
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me

I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

Fill me in on horrible
how much is there
where else can I live?
The dirty sugar factory
on the water
should smell sweet

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly