Pleasantly Misguided

There's always some miracle solution in my life. Something is resolved, a craving satisfied, I get what I want. I feel incredible! My laptop's been fixed. I went to Mr. Notebook and they fixed everything that I requested them too. They did it for free. It took like five minutes. They screwed it open and just had at it. I'm elated and there's nothing else to say about it. I have wireless again. I'm sitting here at Medici typing away before the place closes.

But yeah...I could perhaps construct a list of things I've felt have improved the quality of my life: a journal, a kipling backpack, paper clips, moving the furniture in my dorm-room, new jeans or clothes in general, headphones (whenever I break my current pair; on average, they last me about a month), acne medication. See...I have so many little things that I feel will help me out. I don't know why...I thought buying paper clips would help me out so much. They have so many little uses...bookmarks, they mark significance, and organization! You see, I thought I could lasso together all these things in my life with paper clips. I bought them and I was so happy! That lasted about a week. What the fuck does any of this mean?

I meet a problem and find some material solution to it. I'm not organized, nor am I resilient or "on top of things." When am i going to get my shit together?! This is so frustrating. My grades are improving in my classes! I'm happy about that...but...can I maintain this? After that previous bout of exams all I feel right now is the malaise that sets in with complacency. But I didn't get A's...I mean...I worked hard for...B's...WTF?! Am I that behind in the game? I guess so....It just all feels so fruitless.

On the romantic side of things I can come up with a million reasons as to why I'm single. Not loving myself, actully, actively hating myself seems to be one of the key reasons. I give you a Friday of two weeks ago:
A.H: You have such a lovely smile!
ME: Oh really? That's so surprising...you see this tooth here! It's chipped!
A.H: I hadn't noticed.....
ME: Yeah, when I was younger I decided to play Cinderella and mop the floors. The phone rang and I ran to get it, slipped on the tile and...yeah...this happened.

Yep....I can't take it. I can't even be fake anymore, which is something I was SPECTACULAR at...I could pretend to like ANYONE. Jesus Christ...I guess that's progress. I don't know. Not it seems it's so hard to find anyone I genuinely like and if I do I fuck it up with my incompetence.

I feel so fraudulent sometimes. Like...I'm some accessory that's dressed real nice or something. It's so aggravating to feel like you don't have a solid, concrete identity/personality. I hope things turn around. I really hate feeling like this...but I just can't help it. Oops.

-I want it so badly

AND WHY WAS I SO EXCITED ABOUT PAPER CLIPS?!

I'm so sad.

I'll never get what I want.

And that kills me.

Happy Halloween!

I can’t really focus right now. It took me nearly an hour and a half to finish reading five pages on birth-order effects. It was a wikipedia article. I don’t know...I was so happy thirty minutes ago. Nothing has happened in that lapse of time, maybe a few songs have been played through….maybe I’ve desired one too many strangers.

I had a lot of fun last night. Everything went really well…except I smoked a bit and felt sick for a while. I wasn’t being obnoxious, I just kind of sat on down on some steps outside. Away from most other people with my head in my hands. I just wanted to fall asleep. Thank God for Trace and Justin. They took really good care of me. Trace directed me to another area and had me gag myself so I wouldn’t be so drunk anymore, ten minutes later I was jumping around and having a ball again, then everyone else started to feel bad. I don’t remember if it was sickness or the cold or what.

They were so nice to me. One of them kept on staring at me weirdly. I wonder if he holds any hostility towards me. I hope not, he’s nice. He seems to be very happy with his boyfriend, although last night I did see a side of him that was a little dark. He was very angry when his friends weren’t able to properly direct us to their party. He kept on yelling at them over the phone and definitely took the alpha-male position amongst us. We eventually found our way.

Trace was nice and sat outside with me while I smoked. I felt compelled to unload on him. He sat patiently and listened for a bit, then, after I was done we didn’t talk about it anymore. I was appreciative and he was probably a little worried. I don’t know…I’m sorry for being that way.

Justin’s tea-cup broke. I’m really sorry about that. It happened when we were walking, I think I passed him a little too closely and, maybe, he didn’t have a great grip on it. It felt on the sidewalk and broke in about seven or eight pieces. He was upset….definitely upset but unwilling to place blame on anyone.

I felt like a fifth wheel at the end of the night when I walked back to my dorm. Struck up a conversation with Thomas on aim, he was cute on Friday night. I think I like him a lot. I don’t know, I hope when he returns next year (if I’m still here) that we can do something. I suppose it’s an infatuation.

As for now…I’m lonely beyond belief. I keep on telling myself “No, I don’t need anyone.” It’s working….a bit. I felt so incapable last night. I kept on meeting all these handsome guys who were already in relationships. It was discouraging. OH well…..this is my life. The only guy that I continually hit on me was a creep (zombie Tim). There was an angel though (matt). He was sweet and I liked him…I think it was his side-burns.