Can't sleep

I went to bed at twelve after feeling nauseous all day. I've been so stressed and plagued with guilt that I've developed a little twitch in my arm every time I think about it. My depression has physically manifested itself with headaches, and hot flashes. I get dizzy spells. I'm incapable of functioning. I can't believe I did that. I'm such an idiot.

I didn't fall asleep until well after 2 am only to wake up at 6 still thinking about it with the same queasy uneasiness I had felt when I fell asleep. I cried, and felt as though I wanted to throw up. He never responded, but I can only hope for the best.

I'd like to talk, but I doubt that's going to happen anytime in the near future. All I can do is be penitent and listen to the songs of the grand-fuck ups.

Unbelievable

I'm so curious. Why does my heart race so wildly for someone who doesn't even like me? This stupid high school infatuation. Oh well...it's bound to either be resolved soon...or never. But I suppose I won't let it linger too much.

- It's nice to dream though. :)

I don't know how we stopped being friends or why it happened. I'm sorry, I'm resentful. You seem to be having fun...I hope that continues.

CURRY!

Heh...I'm going back on the twenty-second! I'm so excited. Ready to make a change? I don't know...but I'm ready to have access to a gym and pool again. Ready to be around a multitude of people that I LOVE!!! Ooohh....But I will miss home. My nephew (who's grown on me) and the rest of my family that can sometimes drive me insane...but otherwise, I'm fine. I'm glad and I know that everything will go well this year...it's always just a slight adjustment to a certain mentality....and I suppose I've fixed that little part and am now able to keep happy.

Either way..I'm just really excited to go back to Austin. I keep on having all these dreams where I return to some crazy, magnificent, Hogwarts-esque school....haha!

Speaking of dreams....
Last night was weird. I was running away from Chucky (yes, that ginger doll). I was in a huge mansion with a bunch of people I knew. There were three floors and tons of wine. Haha...I kept on avoiding everyone else and trying to find that psychotic little doll. It was weird...I finally found and dismembered him. I threw him in a garbage bin and walked away. A new family found him but, in my dream, I didn't care because it wasn't my problem anymore. Then later on I was in Austin discussing different Indian restaurants with my aunt. I could go for some curry.

And at that moment...I felt weak.

I suppose I don't believe in, or care about privacy. I'm not the type of person to keep secrets. It's no surprise to anyone that I have weight issues. I can't say that I'm aware of this being a problem now although it may develop into one later. I don't necessarily care, right now all I care about is maintaining my waist size, and keeping a certain shape.
We went out last night. Bought a large bottle of rum and drank on our expedition with many little misadventures along the way. When we had arrived at the club we sat around and waited for our other friends to join us. At this moment, I began to felt hungry. Not like I usually do...but this was more painful. I believe it was due to the drinking. I felt sick....I had eaten earlier though and could not understand why I felt hungry. I'm not the type of person to succumb to physical pain. Pangs of hunger actually satisfy me. For some sadistic reason...I quite enjoy feeling this kind of pain. Anyway...I felt disgusting when we had later gone to eat at a 24 hour breakfast diner and I had buckled under the weight of my hunger.
Every bite was met with a great disdain from my eyes and knife. It's not as if it went unnoticed either. Everyone around the table noticed everything. How I cut, jabbed, and chewed my meal. I kept a stone-cold demeanor throughout the entire experience wanting only to leave.
On the ride home...I kept the same face and as the air-conditioning hit my face I felt as though it were freezing more than just my exterior. It was penetrating my skin and cooling my soul. I felt frigid. Every time someone touches me I withdraw. I feel as though I'm incapable of feeling love. I've come to hate myself so much...it's become impossible for me to feel for someone else what I can't even feel for myself. The other night I had a binge drinking episode. I sat on the floor for an hour and a half and cried due to the contempt I feel for myself.
And yet...all I want is love. They differ so greatly...platonic and romantic love. The satisfaction one can draw from romantic love seems unlimited while on the other hand platonic love can grow to become to familiar. But...whatever the speculations of these philosophies are...to make a long story short...The point is that I'm lonely. I'm so easily forgotten it's just no surprise that I have such low self-esteem. But...I suppose it's okay. I don't care and neither should anyone else.

Well....this has been a deeply personal entry. I hope that no one takes it for granted that I have confided my secrets in whoever is reading. It doesn't matter too much anyway. I should never be taken me so seriously anyway...