Cookie Breath

So I'm saving all my secrets for a deaf man
Blabber on, I blabber on.....
Keep pictures of the people you once loved
In a safe oh in a safe
You lost the combinations. Oh no, you have the wrong address
Scribble names, unscramble names

So I'm here in the union about to study, as I always tell myself. I'm so upset I don't like the way things are going. I feel ridiculous. Just quite foolish. I'm so uncomfortable but since I'm alone I can't really leave my stuff here because someone else will take my spot or steal my shit. Not that I would care very much because...that's just the way I am I guess. I wish I could care less about real shit and more about vapid stuff. Doh! To be materialistic...bleh... :D. I jest.
But....I wonder, how does one become detached? It seems to come so easily to everyone, everyone that is, but me. Heh, I want to go home. I'm tired. I can't wait for thanksgiving. It's not the same when they come to visit you. It really isn't, I never know what to do with them...bleh :P.
I really should get to studying...There's so much to do...it's unnerving. I should have been more responsible yesterday. Silly me, silly whims, silly everything....God help me today, tomorrow, and everyday after...
*sigh* As always....we'll just have to see how things go.... : /

Victory

I have absolutely no drive to do anything...at least not today. I only long to go to sleep...soon enough I will. Wake up and start a brand new day. I hope something will happen tomorrow to advance the plot of life. Everyday is like Christmas, unwrapping your eyes to the light of a new day that will never be like yesterday. At least, this is my perspective. I wonder, life is such a curious thing. Never knowing what will happen. I feel like everyday should be a good day. Questions, my questions, are always answered with another day gone by.

Smiling though uncertain

So things have changed quite dramatically since I've last written. Needless to say things are much improved now. I'm just happier...I suppose. I'm great! WOOT WOOT!!! Got some new energy within me. It's really awesome. I can't wait to see how things will develop. I just need to learn some things, other than that I'm sure time will take care of everything else.
Took my English midterm yesterday. I think I did really well, but we'll see. I have another midterm coming up on Friday, lab midterm for Geo. BLEH!!! The bane of my existence. But, I'm pretty confident about tests now...WTF? I don't know, I hope this confidence is good and keeps me focused for these next two days. Other than that I have not much else to write about. I don't care. HAHAH, Ummm....I'm really sorry if I haven't been as available as I used to be world....I'll have to start I don't know...doing things about this...lol.
I can't wait for Annavy's party on Friday. The mummy costume idea might be a little harder (more expensive) than I initially planned, but whatever. We'll see what happens.... MuCh lOVE!!!

I don't know how things will turn out, but I'm hopeful. You make me feel better about myself than I have in a while. I know I shouldn't be like that, but it's just how you affect me.
Okay...all right...I'll talk to you later dear blog.

Rose petals in my tea

Will this work? Will it be invisible? Will people have to look for this? Spectacular!!! I just wanted to

I've got a bitter taste in my mouth, I'll accept this
I'm naive, I know this
I'm not uninteresting, of this I am sure

see what color would work so only people in the know would be able to see some of the things I
write. I think it'll be interesting. I'm glad I was able to get this out of my system. I really just

The next time I see you
I'll kiss you so hard that when i walk out of your life...you'll wish you were dead
it'll be imbued with all the despair you've caused me to feel. But after this, it won't posses me anymore. It'll be in you

needed to say that..I guess I sound kind of bitter. Hmmm...I don't know. It kind of puts me at ease, having this little like secret embedded in my journal. Heh.

These are my intentions. How do I look now? I wish I were more graceful and dignified. I don't understand why I can't be like that. Ehhh, I'll change when the world changes. Perhaps sooner, hopefully sooner. the only thing I don't want....is to become a cliche`

FIRE!

Tu aimes me manipuler
Et j'aime en faire autant
Nous sommes tout deux victime
De ce doux jeu d'amants

I don't take the same comfort from music I used to be able to. I don't know what this means? It, for a little while, doesn't seem to yield the same affect on me it used to. Doesn't lift my spirits as much. I don't get it. I tell it, demand it, to do to me what it did before but it won't. Hmmm
Friends are always nice. They understand and offer spectacular comfort. It's never ending, I'm so thankful for everything. For all I have survived because of them. If my friends were objects they'd be:
Kathy - A solid, brick wall
Gabe - My marimba
Bre - Sweet candy with which I can be silly
Raul - a heating blanket
Trey - a bottle of liquor and a cigarette
Becky from Medici - My mother
Annavy - a sweater
I wish I had a lazy boy though. Someone to let me recline on them and just hold me...keep me warm. I don't know..heh. I suppose I'm usually able to use negative things to fuel me though, somehow. Today I went to the gym and was able to do a lot more than I think I would've had I been in a normal mood. I was angry, I was damned mad. I ran a lot more than I thought I could. When I got tired I threw some more coal into the fire. Made me work harder. I guess this is a nice drive, or at least it's benefitting me a bit now. I feel like this is going nowhere. Hmm...
How very sweet of him to never contact me. Why can't I quit this? Is it more to do with me being rejected? Is it to deal with sincere feelings? Is it because bad habits are the hardest to quit? What the fuck am I talking about!? It was only a month if that. I mean I've known him for a good while, I've known this about him all along. Sadistic bastard.
I hate everyone. Mostly myself....I'm gaining weight, I won't anymore though. It's over. Everything. I just need to deal. That's all, it'll work. find a way through it. Always do..? Always DO! OK...

I don't hate anyone...I just don't understand how I let this get to me so badly especially when I knew what I was getting involved it..I guess that's what I hate.

Weekend summations. (just cause I'm no longer a child doesn't mean I can't still write like one)

How therapeutic, talking to a friend. I don't know what to say anymore. Hmm, I'm in an okay mood. Just kind of lethargic. I feel like I'm gaining weight though, but it'll be fine in a couple of days. That's just how I work, it tends to fluctuate. I have one fat week a month, then I work on it, or not, and it usually goes away. If it doesn't, then I'll for sure work on it...lol.
HAhA
I wrote a paper today, it took me quite a while, at the end of it I was tired and felt a little gross from sitting down in the union for so long. I haven't shaved since Wednesday, so that's dirrtyy!!! But I'll be fine. Just gotta keep on keepin' on, right?
Your phony roots
Borrowed Guitar
Tellin' her what to think we are
YOu're the number one Wet Blanket!
You're still around I wonder why
You're the number one wet blanket!

So I'm gonna listen to some music with a friend, online. I'm probably gonna fix myself some peanut butter on bread and maybe make some tea. I don't know anything beyond that. I'll wake up in the morning and depending on how much time I have I'll either feel better or worse about things. Then I'll go to class and get that essay test back, this will also alter my mood. When I get out of that first class of mine though I'm gonna come back here and...I dont know...Shave..? lol It'll be good, I'll feel better. It's 11:11 pardon me while I make a wish....
...................................
Done...
So I'll do things for myself, to make me feel better I suppose...hehe. I wish I were a child again. I long for it to be summer or something and to be running around the house with my parents trying to get me into bed. Tuck me in, tell me a story, do the sign of the cross, kiss...goodnight.
Hmmmmm I don't get it...
You wouldn't....

Deep blue, this is me.

I'm so hungover. In so much pain, my head....ugh. Why did I just spray febreeze. It's so god damned sweet the smell is definitely getting to me. I should just go back to sleep but it's already really bright in my room and I can't change that. Bleh, last night was good. I went to Tiffany's birthday celebration and basically had a bottle of hypnotiq to myself. I had a little more than half of the bottle. It was a smaller bottle, not an actual like huge thing. Oh god....I shared with Kathleen and everyone else, but I guess it wasn't enough. I also drank some goldshlagger. It wasn't so bad. I liked it.
Once I started feeling the effects of the drink I definitely started wanting to get to Kyle. Jesus Christ, how depressing. I can't believe it. All this braveness I say I've got. "I feel absolutely no urge to contact him". What a crock! Today's the fourth, if I considered us to still be on good terms this would make it a month. A month of dating him, a month of us being together-ish. How strange. When I told Kathleen I wanted to text him she immediately stole my phone from me and hid it. She's a good friend. "No Michael! You can't! It's a power thing" I get it. It is a power thing. But what power do I have over him if he never get's back to me? Do I still win? No! Fuck that, I'll just be kind of lonely. God damn it, drunken nights are not good for getting over these things, mostly because what happens when you're drunk is so dependent upon the environment.
Last night when I got back I threw up, a lot. In the toilet and in the trash can that now reeks. That's probably why I sprayed the fucking febreeze. So disgusting. I don't even know, I was tripping all over my room back and forth from the bed to the bathroom. I had my face in the toilet, or maybe not. I think I did have my face in the toilet but I didn't throw up. Hmmm...only after I went back to my bed and dragged the trash can closer to my bed did I throw up. I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm definitely depressed. I always find that I ask myself, "What am I going to do?" I don't ever know. I can never answer that question. I guess I should just take a shower and wash away all this filth. Get my stuff together and go to the union? I don't know. I don't want to do anything. I want to meet someone new, someone really sweet. I wanna talk to Kyle although I know I can't. Maybe I can, I don't know. We'll see how desperate I get, if at all. What I'm feeling right now may only be situational, and this is a horrid situation. Hmmm, I need to drink more water. I took Motrin but I still have a headache. This is just god-awful.

Where is the beauty that surrounded me last weekend?
Where'd that optimism go?
Where is the hopefulness that I had but yesterday?
I don't know, but I'll definitely look for it....

Infernal

I'm so god damned angry. I haven't spoken to Kyle in three days. He's ignoring me or super busy, but what the fuck? I've been busy too but it wasn't hard to find five fucking minutes to send him a god damned text. I don't understand him. His sadistic ways, why do I have to go through a god forsaken crisis every time this happens?