Whatever...I'm leaving

I'm so thrilled that the time to go home has already arrived. I just have to survive one more day here and then I'll be on my way back. What's even more exciting is that I'm, for the most part, very done with whatever schoolwork I have to do before I leave. I'll get to enjoy this place...hopefully. So I woke up a little while ago, didn't go to class, wanted to stay in and shower so I could meet up with some friends to revise our papers. Well....the hot water isn't working. And now that I think about it, I do remember reading a flier yesterday saying that it wouldn't be working....hmm. It's kind of awful.

I can't wait for Raul to come, and for us to be happy! I'm looking forward to the six hour drive back, it's always so relaxing to just sit around in a vehicle with friends, loud music, cigarettes, and scenery that could only be appreciated on a desolate road. It's going to be magnificent! I should probably call him soon and find out what time he's coming. It's also been a while since I checked the water, maybe I can shower now? Either way, while I'm home I won't be able to blog...unfortunately. It's the one thing I hate about going home, we don't have internet....hmmm.....it's so stupid. Whatever.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! :D

Ehhhhhh ehh ehhh

I need to shower.....ehh....Christ...I really need to shower. Oh I had one question...just one.

I was wondering if the first impression I make on a person is also the impression that stays with them?

How much of your own shit are you willing to buy in to?

I hate myself for what I have done. Why? It was so unnecessary, Jesus Christ! I swear to God I'm a good person, I don't know why I have to constantly fight myself on this. Why is it I always feel like shit about myself? What's causing me to feel like such an awful person? What were my motives for doing what I did on Saturday? It was so stupid. I don't even like him, I just it kind of scares me that I can fake it though. Where's my fucking validation?

- To sum it all up...I just feel like I'm really a bad person. Someone who's inauthentic, and someone who sucks at life.

Our Hell.

First went wrong is hard to find
We’re paralyzed, we apologize
Our hell is a good life
Last went wrong, where’s my prize under the lights
Can we call it in?
We’ll be on the road
Can we stop?
When we stop my back will turn your face toward the fence
What I thought it was it isn’t now
All this weight, is honest worse
We’re moderate, we modernize
till our hell is a good life
All we know what to forget… how to do right
Coloring in the black hole
Can’t we stop? when we stop
My hands will shake, my eyes will burn
My throat will ache, watching you turn
From me toward your friends
What I thought it was it isn’t now
What I thought it was it isn’t
Punishment to stall what is done
What I thought was in is missing out
What I thought it was it isn’t now
There’s a pattern in the system
There’s a bullet in the gun
That’s why I tried to save you
But it can’t be done

Debauchery

Yeah I wrote this the other day when I almost fell asleep in class..it woke me up.

Cool sheets
Warm bodies
Wet parts
Tight chests
Soft hair
Closed blinds
Sweaty faces
Nails on your back
Wet spots on jeans
Salty tastes
Moaning
Quiet groaning
Handfuls of flesh
Tight spaces
Bursting
Tearing
Ripping apart
Sensational pain
Blurring smearing
Fusing
Binding legs
Thrusting
Hands on the waist
Whimpers
Laughing
Build ups
Repression
Build up
Refrain
Keep going
Skin
Sinking
Getting on
Getting off
Lighting up
Blowing smoke

Thanks

So much for Sleazeballs with a capital "S".............

Meaningless

So the word "alcoholic" is getting thrown around a lot.
Honestly I don't really care what people say or think about me.
I know what I'm doing...and I don't think anything is getting out of hand
People exaggerate and love to talk...
If that's not the case then they just genuinely do care
I suppose to make me look bad and be caring, it's kind of a correlation
to make others aware of the severity
I really can't remember that night anyway
so who am I to talk.
I don't recall doing anything stupid
My room was clean when I woke up
Hmmm
I wonder where things are going.
We had a heart to heart last night
It was great. I love you beyond possibility
Got to get to my paper
I guess....
Goodbye.

gonna make it right
some future in my eyes
*bright*
hush
don't explain
when you water down my name
I'll be up to late
call me when you get
better at your game
you haven't beat me yet


Oh BTW...I FUCKING HATE EVERYONE.... :)
- that's all....


(really I don't...I kind of just like saying that now...or thinking it. WUTEVS)

Indeed

The show will go on. Whatever happens, the story always moves forward.

So I haven't eaten at all today. It's not so bad, I really just haven't been hungry. I had a cup of coffee at noon along with a cigarette. I've only had three today. I'm kind of enjoying it. I hope my lack of hunger lingers although I think I'll soon break my fast. It's not a big deal, I don't know why I'm talking about it like it is. Perhaps I'll disappear in a puff of smoke?
I kind of feel like not eating while starving is kind of therapeutic. Not taking anything into you when you desperately want to. It's strange how comforting it is to feel this way. It's kind of about not always getting what you want? Maybe? I'm not sure if that's what I'm trying to teach myself here. Hopefully, when I eat, I'll only devour something small. I've been eating a lot these past couple of days and have been noticing and feeling the effect of it. I'm not really angry about it or anything...but that's just there. Kind of haunting me, kind of not.
In other news, I'm feeling kind of good today. I don't want to jinx it or anything, but yes. I'm good. That's really all I have to say. I have a paper to write and a geology lab to finish, so I'm going to get to that soon enough. After I meet with Kathy, probably to eat, ugh how tragic (eating I mean). I should go to the gym sometime soon and pick all that up again.
But yes, life is all right again (or so it seems). We'll have to see, I knew I was quite uncertain and I still am. Hopefully things will work out, and if they don't well....there's always tomorrow, right?

yeah....

Another hero. Another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for
Whatever happens
We leave it all to chance
Another heartache
Another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know
What we are living for

The show must go on
The show must go on
Outside the dawn is breaking
On the stage that holds
Our final destiny
The show must go on
The show must go on

Inside my heart is breaking
My soul may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

The show must go on
The show must go on

I'll top the bill
I'll earn the kill
I have to find the will to carry
On with the
On with the
On with the show

On with the SHOW!
On with the SHOW!

The show must
The show must go on

I wish....

A spoonful of something.......

And sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier
and lonelier.......
and lonelier......
and lonelier......
and lonelier.....
and lonelier.....
and lonelier......
and lonelier......
GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER THIS GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER HIM GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER IT GET OVER HIM GET OVER HIM GET OVER HIM
JUST
FORGET IT FORGET IT FORGET IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT FORGET ABOUT IT
IT'S NOT WORTH IT IT'S NOT WORTH IT IT'S NOT WORTH IT IT'S NOT WORTH IT
NOBODY WILL EVER BE WORTH ANYTHING
NOBODY WILL EVER BE WORTH ANYTHING
NOBODY WILL EVER BE WORTH ANYTHING TO ANYONE ELSE
NOBODY WILL EVER BE WORTH ANYTHING TO ANYONE ELSE

DON'T CARE! STOP CARING
DON'T CARE! STOP CARING
DON'T CARE! STOP CARING
DON'T CARE! STOP CARING

WE ARE ALL JUST NOVELTIES WITH WHICH TO PLAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND TEMPORARILY AMUSE ONE ANOTHER, INEVITABLY WE WILL BE PLACED BACK ON THE SHELF AFTER WE LOSE OUR APPEAL TO GATHER DUST AND BE FORGOTTEN.
HOW TOXIC IS OUR YOUTH AND GENERATION?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
REST REST REST
JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DO IT
WHY IS IT SO HARD? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHRIST AM I MAKING MYSELF WORSE?

FUCK ME (HARDER) PLEASE?

Forget it, Forgotten.

You know what...?

It's been a short while...a couple of days. And in this amount of time I've been mopey and quite pathetic. Constantly ticking in the back of my mind is you, as well as what went wrong. But now....I would like to say that I have just realized that you, my dear, are the pathetic one. You long to help others and yet due to your inability to recognize the magnitude of others problems and how heavily they weigh on each person, you will become an tragic failure in a field where I will thrive. You are a hypocrite and a horrible liar.

You copped out of it, and very badly. What a cheap excuse you gave, but then again, what else should I have expected? When it all finally happened, I was blind-sighted and I was unable to see you for what you were...a waste of time. I thought you were different, but you proved me wrong (once again)...completely and entirely. I have decided that you are no longer worth my time, no longer worth even thinking about as I "have no energy to deal with it".

The other day I was presented with an opportunity to do to someone (from the past) what you did to me. It being a given that I'm not an outstanding person, and that I may not have emerged from this being a "better" person, I was tempted. Only to be stopped by...Kathy. I was very surprised at her for caring so much. Either way I did realize that I wouldn't be able to "Fuck it forward" even if she hadn't stopped me, I still wouldn't want to be a complete D-bag. Like you. :)


You are the ash I have just flicked off a cigarette, and unfortunately you did not got caught in the wind. Instead you lay on the floor to be trampled upon by every passerby, unnoticed and gray. Oh woe is you...and oblivious am I to your pain. Perhaps, it is not oblivious, perhaps it is uncaring.


And yet, I only wish you knew how I don't hate you, and how I don't wish any misfortune upon you. I, however, am terribly angry and if the world is forcing me to hate you. I shall also hate everyone else equally.

Nah, forget it. it's cool....

A few choice words, but a work in progress.

These are a few of my favorite things...

To See - The sun, Blue skies, Green grass, Sunlight through trees, Dark jeans, Curly hair, A Full or Sickle Moon, Stars, Sand, the Ocean, Reflections, Green eyes, Autumnal leaves, Intense rain, Black ink, Moving shadows, Wind caught in curtains, Acts of charity, Humanity, Looking out of windows of moving cars, Waves crashing, Smoke, Light rain, Tea leaves, Gray skies, People laying out in the grass staring at the sky, Other people smoking, Laugh lines on peoples' faces, Dark purple things, Shaven heads, White Christmas lights, Spectacular Views, Grey, Gold on Navy Blue,

To Feel (physically) - My sweater, bed sheets, Dogs, Warm skin, Soft hair, Pearls, Water, Hot water, Fingers, Wind and Rain, Warm breezes, Lips, Flower petals, Coffee down the throat, Heartbreak, The feel of lead scraping against paper, Clean, Dried candle wax on my hands, Sharp Teeth, Inebriated, Starving, Light rain on my face, Cold wind blowing against my already frozen face, Pressure on the fleshy area between my shoulder blades, Sinking into a huge chair, Steam from the shower, Warm scarves around my throat, Sore, Taut, Tight, Compact, Hands on your waist, Lips on my hips,

To Feel (emotionally) - Satisfaction, Contentment, Contempt, Disdain, Bitter, Vengeance, Your suffering, Clarity, Powerful, Calculating, Being proven wrong/right, Tainted, Sweet, Kind, Hopeful, Inspired, Lethargic, Exhausted, Studious, Long last at peace, Missed, Anxious, Reinvigorated, Empowered, In control, Confident,

To Taste - Tea, Coffee, Cinnamon, Almond, Chocolate, Apples, Tangerines, Mandarins, Pumpkin, Cream, You, Raspberries, Raisins, Blueberries, Apricots, Nectarines, Amaretto, Honey, Nothing, Lemons, Pancakes, Apple mixed with cinnamon, and caramel makes for quite the amazing tea, Wheat, Brown sugar, Dough,

To Smell - Success, Defeat, Smoke, Burning wood, Roses, Pomegranates, Candles, Oatmeal, Cinnamon, Baked bread, Tortillas on the stove, Cologne (it doesn't matter which one you wear), Rain, Booze breath, Chocolate breath, Clean, Burberry,

To Hear - The sound of the Ocean, Crickets, Rain, Tales of long adventures, Kathy's voice, Marimbas, Resonating strings, Humming, Confidence, Plans, Consolation, Compliments, Put downs, Wit, Cracking whips, Crackling fires, Glass shattering, Wailing, Howling, Purring, Blowing across the mouth of an empty bottle, Wailing sirens, Clocks ticking, Chattering teeth, The sound keys clicking, Electronic beats, Laughter, Water flowing, Belanova, Remix's, Wind Chimes,

To Say - Despite, Spite, Disdain, Loathe, Fret, Fear, Contemplate, Pensive, Pessimism, Optimism, Hate, Rage, Dark, Toxic, Luminous, Inflamed, Outraged, Cruelty, Betrayal, Serene, Calm, Umbra, Tristesse, Joyous, Melody, Harmonious, Complimentary, Comparable, Incompetent, Callous, Dichotomy, Involution, Clear, Harpy, Talons, Sharpen, Animalistic, Cream, Early, Morning, Twilight, Safe, Threaten, Composure, Simply, Contemptuous, Spectre, Fool, Spectacular, Swell, Magnificent, Splendid, Suppose, Guess, Figure, Resent, Regret, Lament, Relish, Sorrow, Tomorrow, Definitive, Destruction, Love, Thorns, Prick, Bleed, Involution, Determine, Concrete, Sadism, Melancholy, Inevitable, Serenity, Depth, Conjure, Manifestations, Waste, Peace, Your name, Woop!, Necessity,

Aimless

So...despite the massive amount of downtime I've allotted myself, for the past month or so, down meaning pitiful and sorrowful. I find I need more! Some authentic, actual, healing down time. However unfortunate the occurrences of this past week, they were necessary, I suppose. I was put to rest, and now well...it's time to rest. Having known it was going to happen did not make it any easier. It was...quite painful and I'm still finding traces of a sting in my chest and in my head. Fuck you Corrine Bailey Ray!

It'll pass soon enough anyway, well....not so much pass as be suppressed. It'll be ground into a fine powder, stored in a vile, corked, and placed on a shelf along with all the others. I don't know, I can't wait for this weekend. A friend is coming up, so I'll be able to engage in all sorts of acts of shallowness and vapidity, oh fun. I need to ask my sister for money, we'll go shopping...I desperately require new clothes as I'm so tired of seeing myself in the same shit day in and day out. I assume everyone else is ALSO tired of seeing me wear the same thing...I need to know I look good every god damned day from now on, I need to at least feel that I do. So I can take solace in at least knowing that much about myself.

Really and truly though, what I am looking forward to though....is the end. Something that will take me to a place where I no longer feel anything. I will feel completely and absolutely clear. There will be no one else to concern myself with, my problems will be my own. There will be nothing negative to feel simply because there will be nothing aside from the activities of average life. But for now I can only pretend and act as if I don't care. I don't, I will be...myself.

I long to go home and recharge myself. Sit outside in our rocking chairs with a mug full of black coffee, cigarettes and my best friends surrounding me. Sitting down, the clear blue sky above us, the crisp fall wind blowing all around us, sending chills up our backs and down our necks while the dogs run around the yard and wreak havoc. Our eyes squinting from laughter derived from the meaningless meanings of things we have placed meaning into, our faces twisted in joy as we enjoy each other. Only to then go inside, sit down and repeat. What is this?

Yet, out of all my silly little desires, my wants and my needs I find that the most important, or at least the most dire trifle I require has yet again reverted to a sense of self, or minimally...a model with which to live my life. I have to find the person I want to be. At this point there are many options and all have their own distinct advantages and flaws. To be hopeful...we all know how that goes, this is the one I have stuck to for as long as I know. I could say I enjoy it and that I'll probably feel this way tomorrow (and I probably will, it won't even take so long as a day) but I may be tired of being optimistic. To be cold however, hmm. This is quite new and different, I'm not sure I'd be able to pull it off. It would take practice.

Perhaps I should just live life, take what it gives me and see what type of person I end up as then. I suppose you should just realize that thing's will happen to you, regardless of your outlook on the world. Every action and reaction should just be accepted as something that was to inevitably happen to you. Despite the type of person you are, and irrelevant are the people you surround yourself with. You alone are the one, the one who ultimately suffers and thrives.


- I - _ _ t _- _ o _- _ _ _ c _ _- G_ _ _ _ _ _

Halloweekend

I'm not going to talk about Friday. I don't want to do it, I refuse to relive Halloween. The only thing I will tell you about that day is that I still have quite a bit of liquor left over and that I spent most of that night on the phone with people who love me and now call me about every hour to make sure I'm fine...

Did it make me feel better?
Temporarily..........

Last night, Saturday night, was amazing. I can't say it was because I drank (moderately of course), or because I danced so much but because I spent it with people I liked. I really enjoyed last night. I spent it with Kathy, her old roommate Adrienne, Gabrielle (Adrienne's sister) and Mike (Gabrielle's friend). Gabrielle was really awesome, she's about my sister's age maybe a little older, and offered me great insights to life. We took a lot of photos and I was a boyscout yet again...How I wish I would've done something much better. I'll start planning things out for next year. I'll be more creative and everything will work out.
So after smoking, drinking, and dancing away for hours Gabrielle introduced me to a friend she had made there. He was kind. We talked a lot and it was nice. I instantly knew that I was not interested in him. I'm not that type of person, I already have someone I like and despite the lack of this person in my life, I'm still not going to do anything...like that, and I didn't. We continued our chatter, indulging in greatly vapid and irrelevant things. A friend of his showed up and interrupted our flow causing us to start a new one including him. It went well and somehow ended up with a sharpie being pulled out, me turning my head away, and someone writing the word "beautiful" on my arm.
It's still there, faintly. The font is sweet, like graffiti, there's an arrow pointing towards me. I made me feel really nice, that someone I hardly know felt that way. Perhaps that's why he felt that way, because he hardly knew me? No, I don't want to feel that way, I'll believe what I want to believe. As a result, I feel okay today. Not much better than yesterday but something of an improvement. I wish I could find something, something...I don't know.
So at the beginning of the semester when I reunited with some friends, one of them asked another if they could sketch them nude. To practice figure drawing. I must admit that I was a little envious of this opportunity that was not presented to me, but right before me. I spoke with her yesterday. I asked her if she had drawn him already. She said she hadn't, and I told her that if she would like, I would pose for her. I'm very excited for this, she said that if she was ever able to find time she definitely would.
I don't know, something about being sketched, turned into art. I think it'd be kind of beautiful. I would treasure and appreciate what she'd be doing. I feel a little strange that I had to ask her, but then it occurred to me that she and I are friends, but perhaps she was just more comfortable asking him because they've known each other longer or something.
So in regards to what I'm going through, I don't know anymore. I'm very confused about it all, but I figure it'll all work out well. And by work out I mean between us. All I can do is be hopeful, I don't know at all what you're afraid of. I think it could be great. I would try so hard to never disappoint you. I would never be cruel, malicious or manipulative.

*sigh*
I don't know what you want. But I'm gonna keep on the positive side of things, at least I'm going to try. I've said it a million times. I'm not interested in anyone else. I don't even want to date. Actually, not because of you but because I don't see very many people out there worth it. As soon as I met you that went straight to hell. I knew you were someone I could see myself being with, and more than that...being happy with.


Goodbye.