Whoa

In regards to the last entry, I suppose I should be careful with what I wish for. Last night was intense.

GOD

HIssssss!!! Figures...I'm done with my finals...at least for this week and I have nothing to do on a Friday night. GAHHHh....I need to find something to do with myself. BLEH

Smug laughter

Oh the fun you miss out on. It's snowing. Or...it was. But that fact doesn't make it less fun.

Hi hi

So yeah, life is interesting. I mean, I've been having a good time these past couple of days. I go out, stay out, return, and work. Fascinating! Today I was deterred from being productive by a good friend. We went to the gym, went to his apartment and I helped him pack up his things because he's house-sitting for a month for one of his old professors. It was a lot of fun, we got food and hung out at the house. It was a very nice home. We did some homework and I got back to my dorm at around 8:30. Went to Medici's to work on a project due on Wednesday. I've been spending my time pretty well. I don't know though, I'm really worried about my exams and stuff. I wonder.

As for old problems, they're beginning to fade away, which is good. I'm really excited to go home, and also very excited about the new prospects that every day brings. I'm just going to elect not to think about what brings me down. No Depth = No Death. I wrote, "No Depth" earlier and realized how that worked out. It was kind of funny. By keeping yourself on the not so thoughtful wavelength you can completely avoid thinking of reality and your problems. I had created a playlist earlier this weekend without any depressing songs or anything so I was listening to it earlier. I indulged in the meaningless lyrics and had a grand time. I was in a good mood. I ran into some friends as well, I've just been really lucky lately I guess. Keeping good people around me, I love them all. I also miss those who I don't speak with as much anymore.

Detour from schoolwork.

And I say there's trouble when everything is fine
The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time
And just as love's silhouette appears I close my eyes
And disappear tonight

Y otra vez yo no tengo nada de animo. Creo que no puede hacer nada, y yo estoy muy sentido con un nino que quiebro mi corazon.

I don't know why the fuck I wrote that. In spanish, or at all actually. I don't even know if it's correct, I highly doubt it. I guess.

Moderation, what is that? Is it not being a glutton? I need a rubber band. A thick one, to place around my wrist and start that aversive therapy I've heard works so well. It's funny that it'll take the physical sting to keep me from doing what I want. I guess it'll be better than you know...not eating. I feel like I've already got one around my soul, but not only does it hurt me when it snaps, this has an astounding two functions and had but one cause. It also serves as an inhibitor. It doesn't allow me to derive any happiness from being frivelous. It doesn't permit me to take any pleasure from those random occurences. Hah!

What a twist, I was having such an amazing day until my friend told me she wouldn't be able to meet to work on our final projects for our literature class. I had a goal, I wasn't motivated but I had a goal. Then curiousity got the best of me and I did it. I did it, and I don't know if it was worth it. To hear that, I mean. I don't know what possessed me. I was, kind of, doing well. At least improving. I was played with this week, again. It's funny....it'll never stop because I'm too stupid and naive and "HOPEFUL." and I refuse to give up my ways.

I just go everywhere for everyone else. I never want to see the bad in people. People close to me at least. I don't allow myself. I think you're "without flaw." But that's not what you think, and I suppose you think the same of me. If that was at all sincerity you were spewing. Come to find, answers do only lead to more questions. I never once before questioned my own ability to judge a person. I have quite a refined sense of intuition. I trust it without doubt. I would probably be more capable of knowing what was in your head if I we were to get together. It's not like it matters though.

It's all over, I guess. *sigh* I never wanted to admit it, I never wanted to feel like this. I don't even recognize this god damned feeling. It's not a sadness, it's more like...I suppose defeat? I don't understand it. It's apathy, it's uncaring, it's not wanting anything to do with you other than what you're willing give me and then we'll see how I'll change. But then again, I don't think you want anything to do with me. That feels slightly accurate. God, sincerity? Who would have ever thought someone could be so good at lying. Uncertainty is something that will kill me. No, I doubt that actually. I mean once someone has you, you trust them. Or, at least I do. If things were to get better, I don't think I'd be distrusting. Of course I'd be a little more cautious about giving all of myself to any one person. I don't know what it will take to be done with it.

At least now I can appreciate the beauty of others. Last night I saw this boy, and I thought he was very handsome. He had brown hair, it was wavy and/or curly. I'm not sure how to describe it. He was white and had very penetrating eyes. I wasn't pursuing him or anything, just admiring. I'm not interested in anything like that just yet. He was standing in front of a light so as I was looking I observed the faintest strands of hair on the back of his neck. I wondered what it would be like to feel them just as delicately, hmm. Oh well, I'm beginning to sound creepy but that really was as far as my admiration for that boy went. He was talking to some girl and they were holding hands. I was happy for them, I guess.

I guess I just want to feel special again. I know that's ultimately what everyone wants. To feel that they are unique and different, that there's not a single person out there in the world who is ANYTHING like them. Is that why we seek others through love? To have someone, just another single person in the world who does think that we are something like 1 in a 1,000,000? Is that the significance of love? No, I'm sure it's MUCH deeper than that. Pfft. Well now I'm starting to sound bitter. Oh well, it's all right. I suppose, when one is in love they feel right, complete, and just altogether put together...the epitome of happy. I'll have to feel that one day, or notice that I've never felt like that. Hmm.

- I need a stiff one, a cigarette, and an a killer song to dance to.

Fuck

Well....I have finally learned what my final exam schedule really looks like. I pretty much knew it excluding my E 316K class.
It starts this week

Friday 5th: 8-10 Geo lab final
December 10th: E 314 V Final Project due
December 11th: 9-12 E 316 K Final
7-10 Geo Lecture Final
December 12th: 2-5 His 315K Lecture Final
December 15th: 2-5 Math Final

OMFG What the hell am I going to do...so scared. Need to get on the ball....Christ!!!

Shaking from fatigue

Hmm, the pattern of life is interesting. With a bit of luck and only the tiniest sliver of knowledge one is able to make a fairly accurate prediction about that which is yet to come. Uncertainty however, is quite unsettling. Not knowing, or knowing. Does any of it make things smoother? I suppose that's up to your own personality. I don't know.

So once again, I haven't eaten in a good while, and I feel very good about myself for that. I'm unclear, yet again, as to what I'm trying to do. As I type my right hand quakes. Hmm, curiuosly enough things seem to be looking up. I've got so many plans! Picnics and holiday parties! Nights of endless studying around the people I trully cherish. Breaks involving movies, games, chatter, coffee, and cigarettes! Oh I can hardly wait. I hope I'm able to survive all the academia surrounding me. It's so stressful, but no matter what I will be fine.

Starlight..star bright...
No more wishful thinking, please.
I want enjoy whatever's left of Austin while I'm still here before the break. That's all I want. I want to go home without any dramatics or hang-ups which I think I will be fairly easy to do.

- Predictability.

Thanks for Giving

Despite some sharp pains in my stomach and some old feelings I had to hang out to dry (still kind of soaked), I had the most amazing four day break. Everyday was really different. Most everything about it was spectacular!! Seeing my old friends, going to old places, staying out and sleeping in. It was nice to have the comfort of my family. Sister, mother & father, and uncle all wonderful to sit around and chat with. Hmm..they understood and were perfectly fine with me. Bought quite a bit of new clothes that I had to accommodate this morning. It's nice, I kind of like the fact that I now have to fold some shirts and pants and put them in my dresser. It means that I can now be choosy about what I wear...lol.

More people noticed my "bites" than I had wanted...well. Just in general, people noticed them. I suppose they gave me some sort of credibility within my family. Never having discussed any of that with any of them, excluding my immediate family, those marks gave me a sort of.."oh he gets some" you know? It kind of established a rule between me and them that I do do things. Hehe, it's just that I'm not going to be willing to talk about that with them. If they ask? I'll tell them..."I don't want to talk about it" that always seems to work...right?

I did absolutely no work over the break, nor was I productive last night. I'm so scared for this week. I have a midterm on Wednesday, a final project due on Thursday, and a lab midterm on Friday. God am I petrified...I have about fifteen minutes before my first class, I mistakenly thought it was at nine...but no. It's at ten...I'm so silly.

- I want some....resolve???