Hmmm..

it's called narcissism.

Lacking

Something is always missing. I can't explain why I was in such a bad mood. Perhaps these have something to do with it all....?
(I feel like experimenting with colors! Different colors describe different situations)
- I've got nothing to show for it despite...well, I don't know...it's okay.
- You're so fucking persistent!
- We fought and don't talk anymore
- I missed you
- What the HELL?! I just don't understand how you could be so...unsympathetic.
- YOU called me.
- I always feel as if I'm ditching someone.
- Got to please everyone...obviously...btw lose some weight dear!
- I have way too much else to do to be busy with this. (I say this often now)
You are the sweet one, the sweet one under the sun.
I'm excited to be going swimming on Friday with Jessica. That'll be fun! Yippee! I need to do laundry....I need to finish my homework, right now I need to shower, get dressed, and go to class in an hour. There's also valentine's day on Saturday. Trey's friend's party on Friday, and....that's all I've got. I don't know.

Borrowed from Alfred

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


- The Velveteen Rabbit

This is beautiful. I wish I were real, or at least had someone who made me feel as if I were real(ly loved...). How dismal. I don't know why I looked back to this at this time or what. I'm really emotional right now, I don't get it. I'm kind of upset about it. I had been really happy up till now. Damned Chris Mullin's always knows what to say to bring me down or make me feel like shit. Bless his heart, he's the only one who can make me feel bad. He doesn't even do it intentionally....

...I have too much to catch up on to care about anything else....fuck it.

On the Sly

Wipe it up you're capable of putting back a few when you have to memorize The history of your body like a virgin
Ladies night
80's night
The kids get high and eat TV
So do we
For Halloween
I want to be Lenny Bruce

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
So you can love me on the sly

My old flame broke the 12 bar blues
just to prove he could
He pays the airline DJs now
He is everywhere

I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
So you can love me on the sly.
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me
I want him to
hate me

I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

Fill me in on horrible
how much is there
where else can I live?
The dirty sugar factory
on the water
should smell sweet

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

I want them to
hate me
I want them to
hate me
I don't feel so far away from you lately
love me on the sly

Acid Tongue

I went to a cobbler
To fix a hole in my shoe
He took one look at my face
And said, "I can fix that hole in you"

I beg your pardon
I'm not looking for a cure
Seen enough of my friends
In the depths of the godsick blues

You know I am a liar
You know I am a liar
Nobody helps a liar

Because I've been down to Dixie
And dropped acid on my tongue
Tripped upon the land
Until enough was enough

I was a little bit lighter
And adventure on my sleeve
I was a little drunk
And looking for company

So I found myself a sweetheart
With the softest of hands
We were unlucky in love
But I'd do it all again

We build ourselves a fire
We build ourselves a fire
But you know I am a liar
You know I am a liar

And you don't know what I've done

By the rolling river is
Exactly where I was
There was no simple cure
For unlucky in love

To be lonely is a habit
Like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both
But man, was it rough

Now I am tired
It just made me tired
Let's build ourselves a fire
Let's build ourselves a fire

Here's a list of details about my life

* Last night was a blast
* I finally grew a pair and was able to block the one influence in my life that was affecting me like a cancer affects the body
*Everything is going swimmingly in this oh so spectacular new year
*I think I'm going to love all my classes except my main psychology class
*Everything is a contest and I plan on winning the gold
*I will do even better this semester than I did last semester because I can
*I will learn to value myself more and not be such a depressing or melancholy person anymore.
*I'm really happy :)