Why are your songs so sad?
Sing from a book you're reading in bed
All of your lives unled, reading in bed.
Somehow...I feel this song. I guess I feel that I'm unusually sad. I don't understand it, where it comes from, or why my moods tend to fluctuate so much and so often. Looking at things from this year I wonder if I was always like this, or if this summer was the pinnacle of it all. Right now as I write this I feel an uneasy-ness in my stomach. I feel ill and as if I need to run to the restroom and purge physically as opposed to writing it out.
This summer definitely did scratch my soul, cut me good....
I guess I could say that it all started with Kyle. Why I let the whims/feelings/and actions of others control me and my happiness is beyond me. Hopefully through writing about them it will be something I discover. I write mainly about my love life because it is something that affects my soul deeply. If the subject gets tired I will be the first to get annoyed with it, as I have such a low tolerance for myself. Either way, back to Kyle. I don't know what to say about him. I met him on the last week of my last semester here. It was unfortunate that we met so late. I was a freshman and highly ideal. It didn't occur to me that when we parted (after the brief week) that he wouldn't want to continue talking to me over the summer. Well...just because he didn't say he wanted to continue getting to know me doesn't mean anything. We still spoke a bit and it was all right. However, I wanted more.
Summer went by painfully slow. I resented every day waking up in my own bed, in the same familiar place with no one new to meet, with no one to hold my interest, with no one who seemed to care about me on a different level. Every day felt like a smile faked, or a dismal blur. I was (am) so far away from those I love. Who do I love? Trey? Kyle? Why are these people the only ones who can make me forget my problems? Time spent with them is time spent without worry, without regret, with happiness.
I got lonely in the summer, I wanted a brief distraction. I met Jerry one night, he was cute enough. I wanted so badly to have authentic feelings for him, and I tried just as hard as I could. I told myself I didn't know, when all along it was concretely known (to myself) that I did not like him. I discussed it with my aunt who helped me realize my feelings. I also talked with her about borderline personality disorder, something I've thought I've had since Fall '07. It's a sad and weak disorder. I don't know who I am, I take what others say to heart, I'm highly indecisive and prone to alter my personality at the drop of a hat. She told me if I still felt like this once coming back to school I should talk to a professional. I haven't, so I haven't.
Regardless of possessing such a disorder, I lost confidence in myself and my ability to think through my own issues. My mind is foggy and clouded. I told people I'd gotten through it and emerged stronger but I feel quite the opposite. I feel that ever since Jerry I have not been able to think about anything clearly, or be myself to anyone. I feel fake and and I hate myself for it. I feel incompetent and messy. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore and that I don't know what to say anymore.
One night in a dream Kyle saved me from Jerry. I wasn't tied to train tracks or anything but you understand. I got in touch with Kyle again and it was wonderful. I was thrilled, we talked frequently and it was two-sided. One night he called me as he was driving from Iowa back to Texas. I was anxious, but we spoke for two hours or so and it was very pleasant. Kyle made me feel natural and put me at ease to speak. I don't know if I'm romanticizing Kyle or not. He was good, makes me feel good. Why am I looking for a savior?
He wasn't a bad person, he didn't do anything wrong. It was summer and I was needy. One night in a state of weakness I searched through the Austin singles for a friend to talk to. I was really only looking for a friend. Someone to rant to, exhaust my brain and all my horrible feelings, and then ditch when I didn't need an outlet anymore (which is why I love talking to strangers). I met Dustin. He is/was handsome, understanding, friendly, ...older, intelligent, and entertaining. What I had with him grew so quickly and so easily. It excited me to have a text from him, to hear from him, to talk to him.
I ignored Kyle. I made him out to be a villain to Dustin. I told him about the time when Kyle spilled my coffee unintentionally and then picked on me for it, and didn't help me pick it up. When he called me frail. Honestly though, the way stories are told/worded have a lot to do with how they are interpreted. I made him out to be that way, just as I am now making him out to be amazing. He however, was one of the few to wish me a happy birthday though. I think about that often and how nice he was for that. Just for remembering. People forget.
I came to Austin, got into a relationship that developed too quickly for me. I was scared, I didn't know what to do. I'd lost the feelings I'd had for him. I don't know how it happened. It became too customary. We always spoke, I never felt like I was ever alone or could just enjoy myself. I ended it the day before labor day. I was sad, he was heartbroken. I felt like shit, I wanted to get back together with him. I couldn't remember the reasons I broke up with him. I want to date. I want to date! I want to have fun, I don't want to be settled down! I don't know. (perhaps I counted my chicks before they hatched)
Later that week I played racquetball with Kyle (Friday) and Tucker (Sunday). It was weird both times. I was weary from playing earlier in the week with some friends. I put way too much of myself into that first game. I played a couple of disappointing games with Kyle and a few all right matches with Tucker (because he's a beginner). They were both fun in their own ways and I was pretty happy. Although my time spent with Tucker wasn't as fabulous because I thought about Kyle for at least 1/4th of the time.
The night before I met Kyle at the bridge by the theatre building over the creek. It was splendid. He says I was giving off really "intense" energy (I was buzzed and nervous, I only wanted to kiss him, hold him, be closer to him). He ended up asking to read my palm. As soon as he touched my hand I grabbed his. We spoke a bit more and ended up kissing. We nuzzled, I wanted to explode with happiness. It wasn't tame happiness like I'd felt with Dustin. This was wild and crazy, raw...
When we parted he told me I was supposed to keep in touch with him. I suppose it's understandable because of the past and I guess maybe I'm unpredictable although it seems more characteristic of him to be unpredictable. I can't see him being settled and conventional. Well....I suppose we'll have to see what happens. I don't know why I feel so miserable all the time. I'm blessed aren't I? I'm not retarded, I'm not fat, I'm fully functional. I know I can be found attractive in both conventional and unconventional means, I know people find me entertaining (for at least a while, if not at all or forever). I have good friends, I have good conversations with those friends, I have great conversations with those friends. What bore this hole through me...?
Why don't I know who I am? (Where everyone seems so secure in their identity, their future, and their beliefs...why can't I find a niche?)
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