Halloweekend

I'm not going to talk about Friday. I don't want to do it, I refuse to relive Halloween. The only thing I will tell you about that day is that I still have quite a bit of liquor left over and that I spent most of that night on the phone with people who love me and now call me about every hour to make sure I'm fine...

Did it make me feel better?
Temporarily..........

Last night, Saturday night, was amazing. I can't say it was because I drank (moderately of course), or because I danced so much but because I spent it with people I liked. I really enjoyed last night. I spent it with Kathy, her old roommate Adrienne, Gabrielle (Adrienne's sister) and Mike (Gabrielle's friend). Gabrielle was really awesome, she's about my sister's age maybe a little older, and offered me great insights to life. We took a lot of photos and I was a boyscout yet again...How I wish I would've done something much better. I'll start planning things out for next year. I'll be more creative and everything will work out.
So after smoking, drinking, and dancing away for hours Gabrielle introduced me to a friend she had made there. He was kind. We talked a lot and it was nice. I instantly knew that I was not interested in him. I'm not that type of person, I already have someone I like and despite the lack of this person in my life, I'm still not going to do anything...like that, and I didn't. We continued our chatter, indulging in greatly vapid and irrelevant things. A friend of his showed up and interrupted our flow causing us to start a new one including him. It went well and somehow ended up with a sharpie being pulled out, me turning my head away, and someone writing the word "beautiful" on my arm.
It's still there, faintly. The font is sweet, like graffiti, there's an arrow pointing towards me. I made me feel really nice, that someone I hardly know felt that way. Perhaps that's why he felt that way, because he hardly knew me? No, I don't want to feel that way, I'll believe what I want to believe. As a result, I feel okay today. Not much better than yesterday but something of an improvement. I wish I could find something, something...I don't know.
So at the beginning of the semester when I reunited with some friends, one of them asked another if they could sketch them nude. To practice figure drawing. I must admit that I was a little envious of this opportunity that was not presented to me, but right before me. I spoke with her yesterday. I asked her if she had drawn him already. She said she hadn't, and I told her that if she would like, I would pose for her. I'm very excited for this, she said that if she was ever able to find time she definitely would.
I don't know, something about being sketched, turned into art. I think it'd be kind of beautiful. I would treasure and appreciate what she'd be doing. I feel a little strange that I had to ask her, but then it occurred to me that she and I are friends, but perhaps she was just more comfortable asking him because they've known each other longer or something.
So in regards to what I'm going through, I don't know anymore. I'm very confused about it all, but I figure it'll all work out well. And by work out I mean between us. All I can do is be hopeful, I don't know at all what you're afraid of. I think it could be great. I would try so hard to never disappoint you. I would never be cruel, malicious or manipulative.

*sigh*
I don't know what you want. But I'm gonna keep on the positive side of things, at least I'm going to try. I've said it a million times. I'm not interested in anyone else. I don't even want to date. Actually, not because of you but because I don't see very many people out there worth it. As soon as I met you that went straight to hell. I knew you were someone I could see myself being with, and more than that...being happy with.


Goodbye.