The road to hell is paved with good intentions, right?

I was walking down the drag one night to Kerbey lane

scaredcrow05 (3:40:51 PM): and earlier I had seen two homeless guys asleep on the floor

scaredcrow05 (3:40:55 PM): and I felt really really bad for them

scaredcrow05 (3:40:59 PM): just like really sympathetic

scaredcrow05 (3:41:05 PM): I kind of wanted to wake them up and give them money

scaredcrow05 (3:41:10 PM): but I didn't

scaredcrow05 (3:41:10 PM): lol

scaredcrow05 (3:41:15 PM): and I continued walking

scaredcrow05 (3:41:32 PM): and this one dude asked me for something but I had my ipod on.

scaredcrow05 (3:41:36 PM): I took off one speaker

scaredcrow05 (3:41:38 PM): and said

"Gabe da Babe" (3:41:40 PM): lol

scaredcrow05 (3:41:40 PM): Money?

scaredcrow05 (3:41:42 PM): he was black

scaredcrow05 (3:41:49 PM): were you asking for money?

scaredcrow05 (3:41:52 PM): and he's like yeah

scaredcrow05 (3:41:57 PM): 4 or 5 dollars

scaredcrow05 (3:42:00 PM): and that kind of got me mad

scaredcrow05 (3:42:02 PM): I was like

scaredcrow05 (3:42:04 PM): no i only have a one

scaredcrow05 (3:42:06 PM): I'm sorrry

scaredcrow05 (3:42:11 PM): Him: are you sure?

scaredcrow05 (3:42:20 PM): Me: yes, the rest of this paper here...they're receipts

scaredcrow05 (3:42:27 PM): I start to walk away

scaredcrow05 (3:42:34 PM): Him: oNe more thing...

scaredcrow05 (3:42:38 PM): Me: Yes......

scaredcrow05 (3:42:49 PM): Him: Can I have your number? You're cute, I like you!

scaredcrow05 (3:42:53 PM): Me: What?!

scaredcrow05 (3:42:54 PM): NO

scaredcrow05 (3:42:59 PM): you can't have my number

scaredcrow05 (3:43:06 PM): Him: WHy not baby?

scaredcrow05 (3:43:12 PM): Me: I'm dating someone

scaredcrow05 (3:43:14 PM): just no!

scaredcrow05 (3:43:20 PM): Him: So what?

scaredcrow05 (3:43:25 PM): I just kind of yelled no

scaredcrow05 (3:43:28 PM): and walked real fast

scaredcrow05 (3:43:29 PM): away

scaredcrow05 (3:43:36 PM): crossed the street to the other end of the union

scaredcrow05 (3:43:40 PM): like where intellectual property is

scaredcrow05 (3:43:44 PM): watched him walk away

scaredcrow05 (3:43:47 PM): SOOOOOO CREEPY

scaredcrow05 (3:43:49 PM): I was soo scared

scaredcrow05 (3:43:52 PM): it was the worst
I really don't want to let this affect me. Here I am sounding like a victim of rape, when I was only a candidate. Hmm, it's all right. I will continue to do what I can. I mean, one bad apple spoils a bunch but I've already calmed down from this. It was scary and now when I walk down the drag I'm a bit more conscious of the people surrounding me. I will however, no longer offer money to people. I certainly remember this guy's face. It's burned into me....*shiver*. I don't know, there are a lot of them. I kind of always thought they were harmless. I don't know what his intentions were, or if he would've carried them out.
I'm just not going to be so susceptible I guess anymore. I'll try not to be so naive. I just wanted to help someone who wasn't helping themself. I don't know if he could, or couldn't. He obviously didn't look that poor. He was wearing a polo and pants. He had a backpack...I don't know why I gave him money, I should've saved it for someone more deserving, but who am I to judge how deserving someone is? Hell, won't we all be in the same position in a couple of years? Bailout bill? I still don't quite understand, but as it's been explained to me, the economy is in great peril...and so I suppose we'll all be suffering. Well..most of us.

Stars......

Today be proactive in asking someone special on a date to remember. Forget wasting valuable time waiting for this person to make the first move. Take action and see where it leads. Your initiative pays off in more ways than one.

Silly horoscope. I realize now how things are. How I have to be, or just how things should be. I shouldn't be so attached. I shouldn't be so insecure. I always think people like me less than they do; I'm only able to see this now in retrospect. I'm a strange person, I understand this now. I'm at least glad that I now know this. Being weird isn't bad I suppose, it's not harder, it's not unacceptable. It's simply strange, unique. I don't know, I feel like a little bug or something. It's funny, because living in Austin you see people who dress in such odd fashions. Bright shirts, long colorful socks, torn shoes. I wear none of the above, I'm weird on the inside...different in a different way.
I think this is all because of my family. I grew up around a lot of people, with somewhere near 24 aunts and uncles, and even more cousins, in my childhood I never spent much time alone. I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I like how I am, I don't care if living such a life has led me to become very dependent upon others, it's because of this that I love humanity, no matter how petty, fickle, and shallow we can be, as those are momentary and brief lapses of person. However, even when I wasn't surrounded with family I had friends. Friends who would come over every day after school, or talk with me on the phone for hours (under the premise of helping each other with homework). I see beauty in people, every single one of us. I feel that we can't see it for ourselves, but that's why we have friends. Friends are our magic mirrors and reflect our actions and selves.
I know I am painting a sensational portrait of the world, but this is the way I choose to view it. It allows me to continue living, because if I didn't believe this...life definitely wouldn't be worth living. What is a lover but an exaggerated friend? Why are there limitations on people? I don't understand social constraints, much less the constraints people place on themselves.
I am free from the chains I shackled unto myself. I like Kyle a lot, I realize though that we don't have to talk all the time. I'm really glad he weaned me off that way of thinking. I feel better and more able to live life, simply put. In a way he's the one that's slowly been taking that nail-file to my chains. It started with Dustin and now thanks to Kyle I've learned this lesson. Affection doesn't, or at least shouldn't wane with distance. It should bloom to make the moments spent together even better. He told me, "I like to keep the expectations low so that when I do do something great, it's magnificent". Maybe those aren't his exact words but they do convey his message. I don't know if I agree with that philosophy completely but I can appreciate what he's trying to do. But as for me, I will hopefully forever continue to strive for others happiness. I'll do everything, everything I can to win you over, to gain your trust. To let you let me see the you inside yourself.

OH GOD

I've been going through a lot lately I guess. I've been feeling very bad and just kind of horrible. Feeling an immense pressure and general disdain for being awake. I hated everything, so angry and frustrated with life and the unlucky shit you experience. This song put a very genuine smile on my face and made me feel better, combined with the weather I feel quite good. Just SO HAPPY. Can't put words to it. A VERY GENUINE SMILE, THANKS. A Better Son or Daughter.

It doesn't necessarily apply so literally, I just want to be a better person.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying

And sometimes when you're on
you're really fucking on
and your friends they sing along and they love you
but the lows are so extreme
that the good seems fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up to work with a smile
and you'll be better
you'll be smarter
and more grown up and a better daughter or son
and a real good friend
you'll be awake you'll be alert
you'll be positive though it hurts
and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener
And you'll be honest and you'll be brave
and you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
you'll be happy.
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them

The general overpowering nature of the song leaves you feeling nothing but hopeful. That's how it left me, filled with feelings of greatness and the ability to just forget and move on as a better person (not to say that I'm giving up, but I just feel better about things). I don't know how temporary this may or may not be but....I...am....invigorated! It's so good. I really love this band and how it's able to speak to my soul. It's an anthem for living. Don't give up, don't ever give in. I promise you I'm doing the best I can.

Sunday afternoon...

Nothing to write about? Really? How drab can I be?

I simply cannot keep up! how horrible is this for my mental health? Should I just end it? Can't really see things picking up.
I'm young however, with an elastic mind and body that I'm convinced is really made of glass. how can things always seem so bleak? I have no clue. Where am I going and where did I come from, this is what I desperately long to know. Why can I only write when I'm under emotional distress, how hard-pressed do I have to be before I emerge gloriously? Does anyone ever come out a winner? I suppose I, as well as everyone else, would like to think so.
After fleeing the pressure I realize how over-dramatic I seem/sound. I don't understand myself. Writing, for me, I should try to avoid if I'm not already in a bad mood because it definitely fosters my bad feelings. If I should write about something awful when I'm in a good mood I'll sink. I'm empathetic like that. Perhaps I'm just pathetic....Ehh
I love people...they, like music, are amazing drugs. Each one with their own special ability for lifting your spirits...or sinking them. But one should only surround themselves with those who will facilitate the mood they'd like to feel.
Today has been unusually great. I woke up in a good mood and it has not been exorcised from me yet...I'm clinging to it desperately.

I So Often Wish For.....

Call me when you get better at your game
You haven't beat me yet....

I suppose this past week has been rather uneventful (excluding the weekend which in retrospect was pretty okay). I got to see some old friends and make some wonderful memories. In regards to Kyle, I saw him on both Friday and Saturday. I had a lot of fun. On Friday we waited for the storm to come in we sat out by the creek and just stayed there...
On Saturday when it did rain, I felt as if the rain had finally come along with the same melancholy that always seems to arrive on Saturdays. It turned around however when I began to chat with some friends. I made plans with one of them (I was surprised when she said she would drive over). I went out in the rain to meet her, relishing every drop that fell upon my head, face, and body. I got into her car and we drove off to her apartment. I had already begun chatting with Kyle when we she picked me up. I somehow charmed him into wanting to see me. It made me feel good, like I was in control of the situation. I felt like I knew what to tell him to get him to want to see me. It felt nice....nice...just to be wanted.
Samantha's apartment was wonderful. It's much better than any other I've seen, by far. We sat out on her balcony and talked. We spoke and reminisced. Discussed if we feel we've kept in touch with those we had the intentions too, and how for the most part we were satisfied with the status quo. Throughout our conversation Kyle and I would occasionally exchange chatter. After a while Sam and I ran out of cigarette's (because I didn't have any we had to share hers, she had five left). We drove to a nearby gas station and bought some more, she ended up driving me back to the dorms so we could sit out by the bench, which by then was soaked and had become swamp-like. After that one cigarette she left back to her apartment and I went upstairs because I was to spend the night at Kyle's.
I had a good time at his house. It was pleasant, lots of smiles and laughter. I understand that most of his jokes are mean spirited but I still felt a little thrown-off when he called me weird. I know he was kidding, I'm positive he doesn't really feel that way. But...it was hard for me to swallow. We stayed up until four kissing and touching each other so affectionately. When he turned out the lights he had his arm somewhere around my neck. It was comfortable for a while then became inconvenient. I moved from this and he responded by turning over abruptly. I was a little shocked. I'm not sure the sequence of what happened but I ended up kissing him for a brief period of time and then we just went back to sleep. Backs to each other. He would occasionally get up from bed and walk over to the restroom. He would also place a pillow over his head. I thought I'd done something wrong. With his back still turned to me I turned around and was now facing him, his back that is. I wanted to reach out and stroke his back. Looking back I don't know why I didn't. It wouldn't have been a big deal. It just didn't happen.
We woke up at ten and he had to be on campus by ten thirty. He got ready quickly, as did I, and we drove back to campus. He dropped me off and made plans to see me later to grab something to eat. I haven't seen him since.....
That day, the weather was beautiful and I was inspired to do work. I wanted to get through the day quickly so I could see him later. I was bright-eyed. Other than the fact that he didn't get ahold of me it was a splendid day. Later on that evening I went over to Trey's apartment. He had some homework to finish up. I sat by him with sprite in one hand and my face in the other. He offered me a drink because I looked like I needed one. I took three, perhaps four. It was enough to make me feel relaxed. I calmed down and stopped caring. No more problems, you're just overeacting. It all made sense to me, I was just being foolish. And I was.
My emotions are hyper-active. They develop very quickly and I just don't know why. I had a happy child-hood. I think because of always having people around in my life, I need that now. This is not the place for it. I finally got in touch with Kyle later that night, things looked up. But not really because I had to get to him. I understand how busy he is, but it still bothered me. I couldn't go a day without contacting him because if I didn't...I don't know how I'd feel if he didn't get to me.
I'll write more later. This didn't come out like I'd wanted it too. I'm going to sleep now....

An introduction of sorts.

With all the luck you've had
Why are your songs so sad?
Sing from a book you're reading in bed
All of your lives unled, reading in bed.

Somehow...I feel this song. I guess I feel that I'm unusually sad. I don't understand it, where it comes from, or why my moods tend to fluctuate so much and so often. Looking at things from this year I wonder if I was always like this, or if this summer was the pinnacle of it all. Right now as I write this I feel an uneasy-ness in my stomach. I feel ill and as if I need to run to the restroom and purge physically as opposed to writing it out.

This summer definitely did scratch my soul, cut me good....

I guess I could say that it all started with Kyle. Why I let the whims/feelings/and actions of others control me and my happiness is beyond me. Hopefully through writing about them it will be something I discover. I write mainly about my love life because it is something that affects my soul deeply. If the subject gets tired I will be the first to get annoyed with it, as I have such a low tolerance for myself. Either way, back to Kyle. I don't know what to say about him. I met him on the last week of my last semester here. It was unfortunate that we met so late. I was a freshman and highly ideal. It didn't occur to me that when we parted (after the brief week) that he wouldn't want to continue talking to me over the summer. Well...just because he didn't say he wanted to continue getting to know me doesn't mean anything. We still spoke a bit and it was all right. However, I wanted more.

Summer went by painfully slow. I resented every day waking up in my own bed, in the same familiar place with no one new to meet, with no one to hold my interest, with no one who seemed to care about me on a different level. Every day felt like a smile faked, or a dismal blur. I was (am) so far away from those I love. Who do I love? Trey? Kyle? Why are these people the only ones who can make me forget my problems? Time spent with them is time spent without worry, without regret, with happiness.

I got lonely in the summer, I wanted a brief distraction. I met Jerry one night, he was cute enough. I wanted so badly to have authentic feelings for him, and I tried just as hard as I could. I told myself I didn't know, when all along it was concretely known (to myself) that I did not like him. I discussed it with my aunt who helped me realize my feelings. I also talked with her about borderline personality disorder, something I've thought I've had since Fall '07. It's a sad and weak disorder. I don't know who I am, I take what others say to heart, I'm highly indecisive and prone to alter my personality at the drop of a hat. She told me if I still felt like this once coming back to school I should talk to a professional. I haven't, so I haven't.

Regardless of possessing such a disorder, I lost confidence in myself and my ability to think through my own issues. My mind is foggy and clouded. I told people I'd gotten through it and emerged stronger but I feel quite the opposite. I feel that ever since Jerry I have not been able to think about anything clearly, or be myself to anyone. I feel fake and and I hate myself for it. I feel incompetent and messy. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore and that I don't know what to say anymore.

One night in a dream Kyle saved me from Jerry. I wasn't tied to train tracks or anything but you understand. I got in touch with Kyle again and it was wonderful. I was thrilled, we talked frequently and it was two-sided. One night he called me as he was driving from Iowa back to Texas. I was anxious, but we spoke for two hours or so and it was very pleasant. Kyle made me feel natural and put me at ease to speak. I don't know if I'm romanticizing Kyle or not. He was good, makes me feel good. Why am I looking for a savior?

He wasn't a bad person, he didn't do anything wrong. It was summer and I was needy. One night in a state of weakness I searched through the Austin singles for a friend to talk to. I was really only looking for a friend. Someone to rant to, exhaust my brain and all my horrible feelings, and then ditch when I didn't need an outlet anymore (which is why I love talking to strangers). I met Dustin. He is/was handsome, understanding, friendly, ...older, intelligent, and entertaining. What I had with him grew so quickly and so easily. It excited me to have a text from him, to hear from him, to talk to him.

I ignored Kyle. I made him out to be a villain to Dustin. I told him about the time when Kyle spilled my coffee unintentionally and then picked on me for it, and didn't help me pick it up. When he called me frail. Honestly though, the way stories are told/worded have a lot to do with how they are interpreted. I made him out to be that way, just as I am now making him out to be amazing. He however, was one of the few to wish me a happy birthday though. I think about that often and how nice he was for that. Just for remembering. People forget.

I came to Austin, got into a relationship that developed too quickly for me. I was scared, I didn't know what to do. I'd lost the feelings I'd had for him. I don't know how it happened. It became too customary. We always spoke, I never felt like I was ever alone or could just enjoy myself. I ended it the day before labor day. I was sad, he was heartbroken. I felt like shit, I wanted to get back together with him. I couldn't remember the reasons I broke up with him. I want to date. I want to date! I want to have fun, I don't want to be settled down! I don't know. (perhaps I counted my chicks before they hatched)

Later that week I played racquetball with Kyle (Friday) and Tucker (Sunday). It was weird both times. I was weary from playing earlier in the week with some friends. I put way too much of myself into that first game. I played a couple of disappointing games with Kyle and a few all right matches with Tucker (because he's a beginner). They were both fun in their own ways and I was pretty happy. Although my time spent with Tucker wasn't as fabulous because I thought about Kyle for at least 1/4th of the time.

The night before I met Kyle at the bridge by the theatre building over the creek. It was splendid. He says I was giving off really "intense" energy (I was buzzed and nervous, I only wanted to kiss him, hold him, be closer to him). He ended up asking to read my palm. As soon as he touched my hand I grabbed his. We spoke a bit more and ended up kissing. We nuzzled, I wanted to explode with happiness. It wasn't tame happiness like I'd felt with Dustin. This was wild and crazy, raw...

When we parted he told me I was supposed to keep in touch with him. I suppose it's understandable because of the past and I guess maybe I'm unpredictable although it seems more characteristic of him to be unpredictable. I can't see him being settled and conventional. Well....I suppose we'll have to see what happens. I don't know why I feel so miserable all the time. I'm blessed aren't I? I'm not retarded, I'm not fat, I'm fully functional. I know I can be found attractive in both conventional and unconventional means, I know people find me entertaining (for at least a while, if not at all or forever). I have good friends, I have good conversations with those friends, I have great conversations with those friends. What bore this hole through me...?

Why don't I know who I am? (Where everyone seems so secure in their identity, their future, and their beliefs...why can't I find a niche?)