Apologies.

Okay, I realize that I take things to heart...A LOT! But that really is just the type of person I am. I don't know. I wouldn't change it...for anything. It does lead to excessive pains, stresses, and "let-downs" but..I still feel that it's always worth it. I enjoy feelings the severe ups, the downs...they just come along with all that.

I'm also a very hopeful person, this will also never change. I don't ever want to find myself one day glazed over with cynicism. That would be the end of life itself. I find it, a handicap. You can't enjoy life like that, and after all...there is a lot of pleasure to be had in this life. Without hope, what have you got?

Out of desperation, which is another quality I find myself abundant in, I suppose I find things that aren't real. I fabricate feelings, and I..lose control. I really wish I could be more level-headed..but I'm just a child. I always will be.

Intense, isn't it?

This is probably one of the only times, I'll ever really want to admit that I've made a mistake (mistakes). I'm a Leo, and I'm FILLED with pride. I can be...RIDICULOUSLY egotistical. This is a trait...I don't wish I had. Confidence, yes...but being self-absorbed? Absolutely not.

Immature, in some ways and wise in others. I'm a jack in training, I will eventually master wisdom and the complexities in life. At least, this is my aim.

- Michael.

P.S. Also sorry for not always being the best friend and being a bit detached sometimes.

How dare you.

You betrayed me and my trust.

There's no dancing around that

I don't care however you choose to justify your actions

Whatever lies you give me, it's all bullshit

I don't care if you were merely lonely (like the others).

You did it.

It's irrevocable.

I told you, didn't I?

Lonely lonely That is Me.

Loneliness has been acting up again. For no apparent reason, it's been pervasively finding it's way throughout me. When I say I have no reason, I assume I don't. I'm very unaware. What happened to me? I'm different now. I can't determine if it's good or bad. I just feel really angry about it right now.

Whatever, I'm just upset about things not going as I had hoped. HAha, that was cruel of me. Even at that, I'm not bothered by that. Now I'm sounding like HIM. Questioning my self-worth again? No! I can't do that. That would be to relapse when I've already won and the game has cleared out.

I guess, I slept through my classes today, except for the one at three thirty this afternoon. I have good reason for that though. Yesterday was FUCKING exhausting. I was running on about three and a half hours of sleep. I did so much. God...

Whatever, here's some Feist, because I love her.

What gives, what helps
The Intuition
I'll know, I'll know
Oh, I won't have to be shown
The way home
And it's not about a boy
Although, although

They can lead you
Break and defeat you

A destination known
Only by the one
Whose fate is overgrown
Piecemeal can break your home
In half
A love is not complete
With only heat

And they can tease you
Break or complete you

And in came a heat wave
A merciful save
And you choose, you chose
Poetry over prose

A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
A map is more unreal
Than where you've been
Or how you feel
And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how you might have changed it all
And how he might have changed it all for you

And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I...?
Did I? Did I?
And did I, did I miss out on
You...

Hmm

Well, if you thought you were winning. You were wrong. I'm about a million paces ahead of you


- Oh, yeah! I forgot to say. She cheated on you.
......................twat.

Here!

"I'm sorry to say this but those who are most worthy of love are never made happy by it. Do you still think men love the way we do? No... men enjoy the happiness they feel. We can only enjoy the happiness we give. They are not capable of devoting themselves exclusively to one person. So to hope to be made happy by love is a certain cause of grief."

Interesting world

So, earlier today I had my Coming of Age in America class. It's always really fun and the discussions are usually stimulating. Today, I walked in a bit late for a screening covering racial segregation in Nashville....
I have never been more moved by any film, ever. Some of the clips shown were hard to watch. There was such brutality amongst people that I almost couldn't stand it. It was touching to see people of intermixed race stand up for one another. In an instance with the Freedom Riders, there were mobs outside of a bus and as they decided to face their fate and exit off of the front of the bus, a white man went first. He was pulled into the mob and savagely beaten, but he did it so the others could run.
I felt, afterwards, ignorant and stupid... as if I was just this absolutely ridiculous person. I felt as if, I had no real purpose or meaning. They fought hard for what they believed in and didn't run from those who sought to suppress them. They executed peaceful protests and were beat for it, but they did not relent.

We are animals, there's no other way of putting it. To be capable of such hatred and contempt for one another, there's just absolutely no other way to explain it.
- I would die for my beliefs.

"I'll never win? Will I...?"

So, I've run out of ink in my favorite pen and am thus unable to write in my actual journal...So I'll write here. Little list of things...consider it free writing

• I can't believe last Saturday happened, what the FUCK was I thinking. How dare me, seriously. I don't know why it happened. I'm really upset with myself about it, because I was doing really well up till he called me earlier.
  
• I have however, accepted the fact that he's probably always going to be there. Not for me, but just there in the background soaking up whatever sympathy he can get from me.
• I've made a lot of assumptions, and I'm right, I know that much. But...I wish he would disappear. Honestly.
• Well, this is free writing and from what I've written...I guess I'm not fine with it. It's obviously still bothering me.
  
• GAh! I hate him.
  
• His arrogance is repulsive.
  

I'm done. Anyway, I'm insanely sleepy. Christ...I have so much work for tomorrow, two tests. HAha! The longer I procrastinate here, online, the less I'll be able to work later on tonight. What am I going to do? I need to get my shit together, this semester has been sucking...there's so much to do.
Also, I've been questioning, again, whether or not I'm a good person. I don't know why, I guess I just hear myself speak sometimes and react with: WTF?! Did I really just say that?

I'm understanding, and caring. I'll work hard, and I'll do whatever I can. What else is there? I'm not resilient. I don't necessarily deal with my own problems too well...but whatever. I'm insignificant compared to those around me.

Played racquetball yesterday with Gabe and Kim. Needless to say, I played a bit more fiercely with her. Only because I really wanted to obliterate her. I'm still very angry about what happened between us. I don't know, if anything I expected at least her and me to still be good friends. Whatever, sheep stick to their flocks I suppose.

- I kind of wish we were still friends, but only kind of.

DONE