Regrets

I hope I didn't sound like a Bitter-Betty. =P....

Your epic failure

So...I handed you my feelings. I had finally decided that I was through holding them in. I exorcised all of it and out came this luminous orb. I gave you this beautiful marble sphere and you let it fall and break and out poured all those messy, wet, sopping feelings that when compressed made something so marvelous. Oh, but not before devaluing it and getting your fingerprints all over it. You absolutely had to do that, didn't you? I guess you really are just too indecisive and...maybe a little incompetent? Hmm...it's no real loss...at least I've realized that I never want to be like you.

I really did admire you for a while there. Although...I'm very glad to have realized that it wasn't worth it. You...you don't mean anything to me anymore. You're just dust in the wind. However, I know...I can't be upset about things I can't control. I'm not. I guess this is my little rant...my little tirade! If you could even call it that. I'm really not upset though. I'm positively filled with positive thoughts and happy energy. For you, my dear, I wish nothing but the best. I couldn't possibly be more sincere than I am as I write this.

And so...through all you're inconsideration I've learned that I am a far more resilient person than I had once believed. I didn't go out and act recklessly. I just had fun. Well, I suppose I must be honest...seeing you last night was a bit of a shock. I could just attribute it to being really really drunk. Which probably was exactly why I was a little disoriented and messed up. But...I'm sorry for making you feel overloaded (that's not true, I'm not at all...I don't know why I typed that). It was all very cathartic and self-serving, I suppose. I had to claim this relief for myself...and I did! I'm absolutely fine now...and that little ball you broke....you'll never see it again. But man...I put it back together and it's even more impressive now. Also...it's really quite....impervious.

Thanks though! You taught me perhaps one of the most valuable lessons anyone can ever learn. And for this I'm eternally grateful.

So long... :)

Pleasantly Misguided

There's always some miracle solution in my life. Something is resolved, a craving satisfied, I get what I want. I feel incredible! My laptop's been fixed. I went to Mr. Notebook and they fixed everything that I requested them too. They did it for free. It took like five minutes. They screwed it open and just had at it. I'm elated and there's nothing else to say about it. I have wireless again. I'm sitting here at Medici typing away before the place closes.

But yeah...I could perhaps construct a list of things I've felt have improved the quality of my life: a journal, a kipling backpack, paper clips, moving the furniture in my dorm-room, new jeans or clothes in general, headphones (whenever I break my current pair; on average, they last me about a month), acne medication. See...I have so many little things that I feel will help me out. I don't know why...I thought buying paper clips would help me out so much. They have so many little uses...bookmarks, they mark significance, and organization! You see, I thought I could lasso together all these things in my life with paper clips. I bought them and I was so happy! That lasted about a week. What the fuck does any of this mean?

I meet a problem and find some material solution to it. I'm not organized, nor am I resilient or "on top of things." When am i going to get my shit together?! This is so frustrating. My grades are improving in my classes! I'm happy about that...but...can I maintain this? After that previous bout of exams all I feel right now is the malaise that sets in with complacency. But I didn't get A's...I mean...I worked hard for...B's...WTF?! Am I that behind in the game? I guess so....It just all feels so fruitless.

On the romantic side of things I can come up with a million reasons as to why I'm single. Not loving myself, actully, actively hating myself seems to be one of the key reasons. I give you a Friday of two weeks ago:
A.H: You have such a lovely smile!
ME: Oh really? That's so surprising...you see this tooth here! It's chipped!
A.H: I hadn't noticed.....
ME: Yeah, when I was younger I decided to play Cinderella and mop the floors. The phone rang and I ran to get it, slipped on the tile and...yeah...this happened.

Yep....I can't take it. I can't even be fake anymore, which is something I was SPECTACULAR at...I could pretend to like ANYONE. Jesus Christ...I guess that's progress. I don't know. Not it seems it's so hard to find anyone I genuinely like and if I do I fuck it up with my incompetence.

I feel so fraudulent sometimes. Like...I'm some accessory that's dressed real nice or something. It's so aggravating to feel like you don't have a solid, concrete identity/personality. I hope things turn around. I really hate feeling like this...but I just can't help it. Oops.

-I want it so badly

AND WHY WAS I SO EXCITED ABOUT PAPER CLIPS?!

I'm so sad.

I'll never get what I want.

And that kills me.

Happy Halloween!

I can’t really focus right now. It took me nearly an hour and a half to finish reading five pages on birth-order effects. It was a wikipedia article. I don’t know...I was so happy thirty minutes ago. Nothing has happened in that lapse of time, maybe a few songs have been played through….maybe I’ve desired one too many strangers.

I had a lot of fun last night. Everything went really well…except I smoked a bit and felt sick for a while. I wasn’t being obnoxious, I just kind of sat on down on some steps outside. Away from most other people with my head in my hands. I just wanted to fall asleep. Thank God for Trace and Justin. They took really good care of me. Trace directed me to another area and had me gag myself so I wouldn’t be so drunk anymore, ten minutes later I was jumping around and having a ball again, then everyone else started to feel bad. I don’t remember if it was sickness or the cold or what.

They were so nice to me. One of them kept on staring at me weirdly. I wonder if he holds any hostility towards me. I hope not, he’s nice. He seems to be very happy with his boyfriend, although last night I did see a side of him that was a little dark. He was very angry when his friends weren’t able to properly direct us to their party. He kept on yelling at them over the phone and definitely took the alpha-male position amongst us. We eventually found our way.

Trace was nice and sat outside with me while I smoked. I felt compelled to unload on him. He sat patiently and listened for a bit, then, after I was done we didn’t talk about it anymore. I was appreciative and he was probably a little worried. I don’t know…I’m sorry for being that way.

Justin’s tea-cup broke. I’m really sorry about that. It happened when we were walking, I think I passed him a little too closely and, maybe, he didn’t have a great grip on it. It felt on the sidewalk and broke in about seven or eight pieces. He was upset….definitely upset but unwilling to place blame on anyone.

I felt like a fifth wheel at the end of the night when I walked back to my dorm. Struck up a conversation with Thomas on aim, he was cute on Friday night. I think I like him a lot. I don’t know, I hope when he returns next year (if I’m still here) that we can do something. I suppose it’s an infatuation.

As for now…I’m lonely beyond belief. I keep on telling myself “No, I don’t need anyone.” It’s working….a bit. I felt so incapable last night. I kept on meeting all these handsome guys who were already in relationships. It was discouraging. OH well…..this is my life. The only guy that I continually hit on me was a creep (zombie Tim). There was an angel though (matt). He was sweet and I liked him…I think it was his side-burns.

Maybe

I guess I'm not spiraling downward anymore. Hmm, I just feel like I'm surrounded by this silence. Nothing's really there...everyone is kind of preoccupied.
I guess I'm always so depressive in my journal because I really don't externalize a lot of my thoughts and feelings. I use "I" too often...
Introspection, this is not something I excel at.
I also guess, I'm not in the mood to write. I should've done this yesterday or so when I had all that energy and optimism. I'm not saying that I feel badly today, quite the contrary, I feel...complacent....
As this is being written it is now so clear to me...every "I" just seems to burn into my retinas. That word is used wayyy too much....it's a little upsetting. They're so prevalent here. Most people are sooooo self-absorbed...regardless....everyone's got a cross to bear.

Write more later....should the mood strike me....lol. :P

tired

So...I've been staying up till four every night and pretty much getting NO SLEEP...I've also been studying really hard for NOTHING. I'm so angry....I'm so fed up with myself. I feel as though I'm growing up so slowly but time just keeps on moving faster and faster. I'm falling behind. I can't do anything...I'm not independent and I hate myself....which TOTALLY validates my disdain for most other people! Especially those that talk about me behind my BACK!!! I'm so angry....GRRRR

I can never fall asleep at night, too many thoughts (I know Kathy's going to patronize me for that statement, "OH! I'm just SOOO DEEP....MY THOUGHTS HAUNT ME AT NIGHT!" That's exactly what she's going to say....or something equally irksome). It's becoming an issue....The lack of sleep...Kathy's never an issue. I was thinking last night though about how people are so blinded by either their cynical natures, or their optimism, romanticism, and everything else on that spectrum of perspectives. Liberals and conservatives are so extreme and inable to view anything else...intellectuals will never concede anything to anyone else (THEY'RE ALWAYYYYSSSSS RIGHTTTTT!!!). Ego's are so frustrating and destructive and really only do lead to ignorance. I still think I was in the right that one time over lunch freshman year...that just popped into my head too. Not like I've been holding some severe grudge or anything...haha. Really...lol. It's just that I absolutely HATE it when people refuse even the possibility of something other than what they've been taught. It's okay...I'm fine....

I want to leave...I should just start saving up money and as soon as I can just run away...I'm so tired of school. My lack of motivation makes me question whether or not I really belong here. I'm also inclined to believe that this place is really only an institution suited for leeching money and life out of people. We pay for experience and nothing more really. Well, at least, in non-science schools...maybe other departments are worth more/less than others. I don't know...nor do I care...everyone is equally pathetic. I'm fine though...I'm happy to have the friends I now have. I'm finally aware that I'm not alone all the time....It really makes me well-up to think about how much we care about one another...or at least my impression of that...you know? Hehe, anyway...


I'm going to go running now...maybe if I'm lucky a car will hit me. I'm so sleepy.....I'm glad I'm not always like this though...I'm just really upset right now...I wouldn't mind a little episode of binge drinking but I've got a paper due on Friday...This weekend...But! I do want to be productive and not so self-destructive...I guess we'll see how I feel on Friday night...But I definitely could use a cigarette...After my run. :)