Deep blue, this is me.

I'm so hungover. In so much pain, my head....ugh. Why did I just spray febreeze. It's so god damned sweet the smell is definitely getting to me. I should just go back to sleep but it's already really bright in my room and I can't change that. Bleh, last night was good. I went to Tiffany's birthday celebration and basically had a bottle of hypnotiq to myself. I had a little more than half of the bottle. It was a smaller bottle, not an actual like huge thing. Oh god....I shared with Kathleen and everyone else, but I guess it wasn't enough. I also drank some goldshlagger. It wasn't so bad. I liked it.
Once I started feeling the effects of the drink I definitely started wanting to get to Kyle. Jesus Christ, how depressing. I can't believe it. All this braveness I say I've got. "I feel absolutely no urge to contact him". What a crock! Today's the fourth, if I considered us to still be on good terms this would make it a month. A month of dating him, a month of us being together-ish. How strange. When I told Kathleen I wanted to text him she immediately stole my phone from me and hid it. She's a good friend. "No Michael! You can't! It's a power thing" I get it. It is a power thing. But what power do I have over him if he never get's back to me? Do I still win? No! Fuck that, I'll just be kind of lonely. God damn it, drunken nights are not good for getting over these things, mostly because what happens when you're drunk is so dependent upon the environment.
Last night when I got back I threw up, a lot. In the toilet and in the trash can that now reeks. That's probably why I sprayed the fucking febreeze. So disgusting. I don't even know, I was tripping all over my room back and forth from the bed to the bathroom. I had my face in the toilet, or maybe not. I think I did have my face in the toilet but I didn't throw up. Hmmm...only after I went back to my bed and dragged the trash can closer to my bed did I throw up. I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm definitely depressed. I always find that I ask myself, "What am I going to do?" I don't ever know. I can never answer that question. I guess I should just take a shower and wash away all this filth. Get my stuff together and go to the union? I don't know. I don't want to do anything. I want to meet someone new, someone really sweet. I wanna talk to Kyle although I know I can't. Maybe I can, I don't know. We'll see how desperate I get, if at all. What I'm feeling right now may only be situational, and this is a horrid situation. Hmmm, I need to drink more water. I took Motrin but I still have a headache. This is just god-awful.

Where is the beauty that surrounded me last weekend?
Where'd that optimism go?
Where is the hopefulness that I had but yesterday?
I don't know, but I'll definitely look for it....